please embrace life

What else do I need or leave out to be more confident? I have the compliment from many speakers whenever I joint their program. I got the awards as the confident speaker in one workshop, and compliment as good posting and confident in another program. However why still I feel self-abased afterwards? I received the recognition from one of my lecturer, he even offered me, always welcome to be his tutor after I graduated. But why, what leave out in my life that cause me still couldn’t be more positive and work hard in life?! The feeling of lost is still there wandering, it’s like a lion, waiting for me when I escape from my safety zone, it will tears me and swallow me. What should I improve so that I can face my life confidently? Stop worry for the unknowing future and start living now? What the guide to live life, I found so embarrassed after 22 years, I found nothing about life.Many of lecturers are helping me, offered and suggesting me to some company for internships, lecturers are giving advice, what should I do to finish my thesis, however I still feel no aspiration to do my work well. My everyday life is so blurred and listless. Furthermore, always think of nonsense unachievable things and start wasting time like now. Get up man!! You have many offers and compliment, it shows that you’re not a useless person, but why you just couldn’t live like a person what people has recognized you as?I keep giving excuses, my head was so dizzy, I cannot focus, doctor say my oxy-blood was in trouble that is why I cannot focus.. is it all real? Please, my saying body and minds, please get well soon, I need you all in a good functions, I need to do my work well. 6 weeks to go, stop imagining the nonsense things, something has to give up if necessary, although you’ll regret is better than losing all. Maybe, thinking to be too perfect and now spoil everything, anyway, B+ ! Start over again, it still not ended… 

Can i embrace the vast of the sky?
Can i into the embrace of the sea?
Can i just open my hand and hugs?
Can I ... ... 

见证再一次降落在相信他的人身上

复活节的清晨，是一个重新认识信仰的时刻，从跟随基督的年日中，再一次认识基督。

1.  解除疑惑，重拾信心

无论妇女还是门徒，大家对于基督的复活仍然非常怀疑，直到基督在他们面前显现为止，才因此重拾那信心，而且是更清晰的使命，为何跟从基督。也许信仰生活也是如此，在经历受苦（忧闷）后的我们，在等待未知的复活，那日趋衰弱的信心，在七日的头一日，盼望基督的显现，生命得以再次确认。

2.  解开心窍，明白圣经

明白上帝的话语需要把心门给窍开，就如基督在复活后，如何一一的把门徒的心窍给开阔，以致他们得以重新明白基督之所以降身的原因。是不是惟有在迷惑和惧怕中，那心窍才能被打开呢？门徒们的共同特征。

3.  解放福音，传遍天下

复活最终还是要牵引至传扬大使命的颁布，当门徒的信心与心窍都得着开启，恩典的散步因此能够临及各国万邦。

复活节的早晨，没有去教堂的复活节，不能停止的默想：路加福音24章。（随手摘写）好不practical的默想… ><

昏沉

昏昏沉沉的度过了数个星期，结果把正在正轨上得干的活都弄得一团糟。前几天不改那一贯的好奇进行了一个特别的身体测验，才知道近期之所以懒散精神不振是因为身体健康亮起了红灯。一检验才知道肠胃的消化又出了问题，更不堪的还是血氧含量过低、然后严重的还会导致变成白痴！这是什么问题呀，难怪近期都无法专注、一天睡8小时还是那么的无精打采。因此接下来的时间应该花在调养身子上吧，虽然这样会浪费很多时间，也好过昏昏的把事情都做不好。

那家伙更甚的是，究竟他手上拿着的检测仪器是哪来的东西，竟然连一个人的性格也可以说得上好像是那样。他看了看，你别生气哦，他这么说：“你有些狡猾、做事总爱抄小径、不脚踏实地……”幹！这些我都认了！其实这些话也不是第一次听，也不是没想过，而是每每被训了后，总不是自哀片时，就慢慢淡忘脑后。或者说，脚踏实地的做人，我想了想，我真的无法想像什么叫作“脚踏实地”！活到都这些年了，竟才发现，所谓的脚踏实地，竟然是那么的含糊、那么的遥不可思，惭愧。

昨天一大早就捎来另一则极度悲伤的新闻，号称“日落洞之虎”的卡巴星在一场意外愕然离世。不晓得为什么，这位政治人物，素来和我并没有什么相关、也没有特别关注他的新闻、对于他身平的历史也知不多，偏偏就有那么一种莫名的伤感。我想也许是他藏着那么一种精神，一种不言弃、不畏惧的战斗状态，以致那份的伤怀，轻轻地被牵动了。不同的新闻报道着不同的专题，而恰好有那么一句的话，多么的植入心怀，“如果我今天走后门，那么我永远就必须走后门。”多少时候，走惯了方便之途，当有天要走上正途之时，早已忘了出口。

处于如此迷茫的环境底下，还能说责任吗？

恰好今天也是受难节，是不是也该来些该有的省思呢……把记得的道，回味了一遍，有多实际呢？

「歇後語」

歇後雨,

雨天不打傘。

邂逅語，

怎麼又是你！

邂逅雨，

她撐傘遠去。

歇後語，

茄子沒傘…

雨水装载着多少人的希望，没有了雨水、就没有了饮用水、没有了农作物、更没有了生命，所以每一场的雨，总会装载着某些人、在某些地方、的某些记忆。

什么时候开始下雨没带伞会多了一点的期待，期望雨啊雨，你快点停吗？断然不是，而是雨天的邂逅，然后有那么一把温馨的伞，把你遮到了庇护所。虽然总是麻烦了别人，更不要脸的让别人把你撑到老远处，只是至少，总是会有同等的互惠。

第一次的雨中邂逅，还记得吗？每一次的雨中邂逅，还记得吗？每一次邂逅后的话，还记得吗？每一次邂逅后的承诺，还记得吗？

歇后语，茄子没伞，焉知非福。

A failure boy

My situation and feeling was like the MH 370 Tragedy, lost contact since December. I wonder why, what happened until both of us just like stranger. I like to guess, I think is me, too desperate, disturbed you when study week, exam month even after semester break. I just such a bad innocent boy. The time when I read your diary and I know, someone is important than me, and it’s reasonable, who am I to you, just a two months friends, nothing more to compare. You told me your thoughts before you went back to your hometown, I should decide and know, not me anymore. Yet I still encourage you to love the one who love, don’t give up, is not easy to meet a person who both of you like each other. Hehe.. afterwards I’m smilling at myself, “什么时候一个战败的男子需要说些那么伟大的话：好好照顾她。”Since when a defeated man needs to say, all the bless for you with him. I just found that I’m such a naïve kids. Hmm… I think I’m suffering throughout the 3 months, I keep asking, why I just couldn’t be a little bit mature? How if I be more brave before December? There are too many question left to no answer, however one by one it reviewed. Since last month we start being good again, and slowly I get to know more about what actually happening. I know I will regret of keep asking why, but I just cannot withhold with all the puzzle. Finally I know what happened, so? Am I become happier? Do I need to judge is who wrong or right? No! I still chatting with you, I’m wondering are there any possible chances to start over again… i don’t know. You’re still missing him, we know, no one want to become spare tyre, but how if love can overtake all the hurt? You will emo everytime when talking about him, then I have to console you, is okay, maybe everything will turn alright, someday he will come back to you, but do you know how actually I feel, to console and again pretend I’m great to give a bless to you and him. Ya, some people just meant to be together, why not we just suppressed our deep broken feeling and make the people surround us happy. Again I smiling on my naïve thinking, “什么时候一个战败负伤者还需要故作坚强不痛不痒的去安慰曾经放下了自己的女孩。”Since when a defeated boy need to pretend he’s alright to comfort a lady who gave up on him.  ARGH~ Hehe.. we cannot be selfish, we are still friend. Although I still dream for more, but it just left dream. Oh ya, still a boy. 

Come don't emo, listen some positive song ma, no emo song = = 

Decision-making Phobia

Life is full with choices and now I was falling in decision-making phobia. Okay, I just learnt a SWOT analyses method last week, let try to apply it.

First, I should do my internship at Kulim or Petaling Jaya? 

Second, I should exchange to Taiwan, Korea or Singapore? (if this choice is still allow.)

When I try to recall what is SWOT analyses, I found my brain is just blank,damn shit!! Hahaha… Fine, let me ask Mr.Google first whether it is applicable for me. 

Thanks Mr.Google for provides me this diagram. :D

Great, it just too complicated and I feel lazy to go through this process. Hmm, but as promised, just try and see.

Choices/ SWOT	Kulim – Safety Analyses Work	PJ – Michelin HR Department
Strengths	Specific Job Scope in Safety Culture Management, I can directly learn a professional skills from it.	Just a wide exploration and experiencing what actually HR is.
Weakness	Distant problem that I have to leave home far apart since I might be leave for one semester onwards.	Need to bear the living Cost at PJ.
Opportunities	Safety culture is a new field in work psychology, so the future of the field is measurable for me to develop into it.	Michelin is an international naming company, sure it can boost up my resume when graduated.
Threads	Unexpected whole new environment.	Comfort living zone.

Hereby I have listed down the consideration using the SWOT analyses method, so what is the next step? Hmm… Boy be honest, just say what the main problem, “Are they any reason for you to stay?” Actually just this simply question I have to answer!! == 

老人

我还记得那天到医院探访父亲时的震撼，看着一张张病床上躺着的病人，他们的憔悴、他们的乏力、他们的凝望，其实更植入心底的莫过于他们的孤单！看着父亲还比他们精神健壮虽还感开心，只是心中还是难免有股冲动想陪伴寂寞的他们。

曾经答应了至少会参与大学中团的医院探访一次，其实原因莫过于此，那个被撼惑的心还未平静，只想让寂寞的氛围可以弥漫一丝的感动。

老人，给人的感觉就是麻烦、唠叨和碍事，可是古语有云：“家有一老如有一宝”，何宝之有呢？如果不是他那丰厚的财产，就是老人家那宝贵的意见；也许是吧，可是却总是要等他唠叨了上百句话后，才有一句箴言，问谁还能有耐性。就算意见也称不上宝贵、至少，他还有那生命的经历，也许吃苦的故事已经追不少潮流，只是谁也不知道，那些的经历，是一种年轻生命需要的前鉴。

这一天造访了两个截然不同的病人。第一位是位年长约八十八岁的老公公，听觉全然失觉，不晓中文、只会福建语和马来语。该死的我们从小都不好好学方言，结果老人家被迫用马来语和我们沟通。由于他听不见，我们也说不了，就只能一味儿的听。影响中老公公不断的重复着，我八八岁、我住这里两年了、我有孩子、我孩子在台湾、我孩子在日本、我有两个孙子、他们在读书……回荡在老公公口中的话，竟是他的家庭。

恕我耐性不佳，就去看看其它的病房，看见那些还在为中文和粤语懊恼的，就提出交换了病房。此番是一位老婆婆，截了一肢、神情有劲、滔滔不绝。老婆婆的粤语不是参插着英文，得悉之下老婆婆还骄傲的说，中三A等！那时候的等级能有A等的英语，也算得上是高水准了吧。有人好奇之下有那么一句问题抛了出来，“婆婆的行动不方便，是怎么去厕所的呢？”其实很多时候由于语言的不熟练与老人家咬字的不清，大家都在各问各的、各答各的。老婆婆一急之下狠批了那么一句：“You’re educated, you should brave to ask for what you want!”这句话其实引述着，是！我也许无法行动，无法很容易的就上厕所，可是你要勇敢的叫呀！

也社工和社服对大部分人来说并不陌生，随便一个团体或机构，只要你愿意，你就能很容易的去服务大众。可是往往很多时候我们在坐的，都是做事、何时我们忘了，人才是整个服侍的中心。牵强的引经据典，这也许是大家熟悉的事迹，马大与马丽亚分别在耶稣到访时所做的事情（路10：38-42），马丽亚就坐在耶稣的脚前听道、而马大则忙着侍候耶稣，最终耶稣回答说：“马大、马大、你为许多的事、思虑烦忧。但是不可少的只有一件，马丽亚已经选择那上好的福分、是不能夺去的。”很多时候，在社服或服侍中大家都只顾着忙事，往往却忽略了那上好的福分究竟是什么。