step back

So it’s Sunday again, now I really have to worship because I’m the one who have to lead song. This my second time like already Saturday then I still don’t know what song should I pick although I already got the frame of what to say, but just couldn’t find any song that are related to my idea. I just simply choose 4 songs that seem like can related to the main idea. Anyway I just feel that the songs are not really suitable, it all seem like in one same tempo and feeling – slowwwww… okay I just ignored it because I have no time, I have to send my song to the pianist , Saturday noon already MAN!!! f*cking late you know!! Okay, because the pianist is stays far away from church, so he usually will practice at Sunday early in the morning, so I get up late in a sleepy mood, asked by dad to buy breakfast , gosh, 815am I have to reach church, and it’s already 715am, can I be on time? Hahaha… impossible you know, I back home at Friday evening, having dinner at home, then sleep till Saturday morning and have the breakfast, 9am went out until 6pm only back home, dinner time again and sleep, Sunday morning wake up for breakfast then went out and directly goes back U, you know my life and my time spent at home when I got back home is like eat and sleep. So I rejected my dad to buy breakfast what would he think? This bastard son really useless!! Hmm.. so I have to be what a son should look like. I try to get everything faster so I can get there on time, so luckily I made it. Afterwards, practice time, I always lack of confident then this time brought me in trouble, the pianist I not really discuss with him, so when I feel the songs shouldn’t be sing or perform like that, I not dare to speak up as long as he didn’t give any opinion, but his skills really good, what I want he can play for me, just it shouldn’t go that way. At the end I mess up the worship with pointless singing, really feel malu that time, so I leaved church earlier. I wechat her, and seem that she wished to go somewhere, then I said I can accompanied to go, then she was like want don’t want, I also don’t know what is she thinking, then she so care for my wallet, that time I really feel quite touch and angry with myself, I even didn’t care of that, I just don’t know how to save money when I have it, shit !! Then I told her I just passed by, so is feel like shun bian, wth am I talking, sure people don’t want to go already la, you just shun bian, but actually I didn’t mean that, I really feel like want to go together . Haizzz… what happen to me my conversation skills, seem so dumb recently, what art of communications, all f*ck up!! Again I did some stupid stuff, I told what she told me infront of her friends, the moment I spoke out I was like, shit liao this time, what the FUCK am I talking now. Huh… I really very blur and nervous that time, so I mess up everything again. This make me reflect on myself, I proud that I have a good communication skills, people feel I’m friendly and sometimes can sharing, yea it’s true in some way maybe, but what I now found was, why some people just doesn’t like me, and why last time I mess up a friendship too!! Oh yea, my stupid attitude that always thought proud have cursed me now, whenever people say something to me I was like, oh I know the person very well ler, so I can talk what ever I know infront of her, btw we are not really close actually, what I know of her is what people say, it’s cannot mean that we know each other ler. Then I like to comment, maybe this is what a teacher always do, teacher like to question student, you know students just like that, they like to complaint, then teacher has to solve, so now I think I’m a teacher in friendship? WTF am I doing?! Don’t say people fed up with me, think of this I also start to fed up with myself!!!! SHIT!!! So I hurt her just now and maybe brought some risk to her friendship. So I posted a song, QIN AI DE NA BU SHI AI QING, actually I wanted to say about friendship, not love, I really mess up everything!!! I just couldn’t cope with everything now, don’t know why I cannot do my assignment, my thesis, cannot handle the church stuff, cannot handle the friendship, cannot dare to love…….. what the, when a peoples in sorrow like this, they might be suicide leh, what the what the…. I have to scold myself but please, stay some hope, if not one day I go suicide really GG == hmm… what should do now, all seem like mess till cannot be placed again. I try to bear up some responsibility, to prepare myself to dare love, but now seem like I failed, I even couldn’t handle myself well, what can I promised a girl to create our future together, maybe I should step back, not to ruin people memory again. STOP doing stupid things ler, STOP acting romantic ler, reality is what you should face!!