bluuuueeeee & late habits

It's my 100 post !!! huh... i thought i want to post mandarin de, whose know ended up with this, fine. 

Time passed so fast with my indiscipline routine of lifestyle, after that day I stopped my feeling to do assignment and keep hang out with friend for some “reasonable” reason, I just couldn’t catch up anymore to start my study and working mode well until today. Luckily I still can done my assignment earlier so that I not really need to worry for that. Started last Friday night till today, I just experienced Christmas Eve and Christmas, afterwards ordinary day will great expectation but everything seem went wrong again. Okay let say for the Christmas eve, I thought not to join the celebration at church, the reason is obvious where the friend who grow up with me together were all disappear, anyway it not a big problem, I can just interact with other since is a day we should mix up together, celebration right. However I just don’t have the feeling to celebrate. When I planned to escape, I saw people are busy helping to take out those food, some of them are busy rehearsal for their performance, seem like I’m the one who really freaking damn free that night, waliao… impossible I don’t help and walk away right!! So I helped, once I help, it just not go to stop until the celebration end, at the same time, I thought I want to use the time to brainstorm for Christmas activity, and it spoiled. However, it really impacted me a lot on that night, what’s actually relationship? Maybe we can talk about our relationship with Jesus since it’s Christmas eve, but I’m thinking of what’s actually the relation between Church and member, member and Jesus, member and member; yet what’s the relationship between Church, Jesus and member? I don’t know whether other churches faced the same situation here, but what my observation and participation, I feel that the usually the youth members here, after they grow up, what left within their belief is just left out with the burden of service in church. Is it true? It’s just my opinions. Hence they leaved rather than stay, why? From my explaination, something went wrong in our belief, what built our believe was service, without that, belief aren’t something, it goes blank. Maybe for me would be the same, if not because of the Christmas duty, I wouldn’t be there on eve for sure. Furthermore, what’s relationship, what’s love towards a girl? Ya, I start wondering to know, what’s Love? I think I deeply fall in love again. Hehe… the symptom of me when deeply fell in love was, I’ll went irrational all the time, I’ll end up my time to miss someone when she didn’t care for me. Time passed, I witnessed how my heart falling in love to her, and now, maybe my feeling doesn’t went wrong; for the same, time passed, her heart is falling apart from me. Is it that sad should be spoken out? I told her, I did everything quite late, I always late!!! I late to make appointment with her for outing, I late to tell her that I boiled her some herbs, I late to tell her that I bought her some insect bite’s cream, I late to confirm with her when will she be backed, so I did everything late, I thought I want to confirm first, how actually my heart my feeling thought of her, I just don’t want to hurt anyone. However what happening was, she took time too, maybe she just found out I’m not the one because I’m a flirty guys? To be honest, I stopped flirting, that’s what I have to be admitted I was flirty although I doesn’t agree more at the first, since people see me that way, I just admit and talk properly. The late thing I ever did was, I thought time can tie us more closely, but I was wrong, I late to tell her that I actually have feeling towards her. It’s just a noob fishee that couldn’t sense with so called 6 sense correctly. What to say, I have to say it’s my late to confess. After Christmas, I rushed back and thought she will be alone here, whose know at the end, I ended up lonely here throughout the week. My mood directly turned bad and wasting time for the whole day doing nothing. This is the symptom, stupid symptom that I ever had. Ya, merry Christmas and happy new year should stay happy, this is a colorful season, we have to paint our own life own day with colorful mood and day timeline. Oh yea, I went to shopping you know, to take my notes from friend actually because the stupid me when rushed back, just forgot to bring them back. So coincidently my friend come to town, just ask for help that’s why I just slacked at shopping mall. My planned for the gift that have to buy for family member(someone’s birthday is coming soon), really cracked my brain to think for their present. I wonder know how long and how many creative idea that my mind can sustain, I’ll end up not creative to my girlfriend one day, I don’t want!! But how wor, is my responsibility to do all this since I have promised! L Suddenly when I stepped in a shop, I have a great idea, so I actually DIY a gift, when I feeling proud and passing around, people just asked, why is it so ugly?? I was like, wth is it really worst?? I used up many times to design with the limited resources la, I put in my effort so much but what I received was……… haiz, fine, my sense of beauty really something wrong.  Christmas right, although originally it doesn’t mean much to buy gift in bible, because Jesus himself is the gift and shepherd + Doctor came to him and gave him gift, so I really not that familiar to buy gift for others. People will ask from me, “where my gift?” my answer would be, “sorry I didn’t celebrate Christmas.” Actually I meant I didn’t celebrate the Christmas meaning which construct by the consumerism. Pheww… but gift definitely would be a great memory for someone you like, so since I came, I squeeze my brain again to seek for some meaningful gift. I couldn’t think of many, yet, present is something meaning itself, and what meaning that we gonna attached on it. So at the end I bought something for her. You know, I quite worry it will turn up like last few times, she just refused to take it. Anyway, I try my best ler. I wonder am I really not suitable to talk about love? Maybe just not mature enough to bear some responsibility, if it really meant to let go, I have to and be prepared for sure!! It’s really a bluuuueeee bluuuueee weeks. 

7:48pm (the time after tweet tweet.) Do you understanding the feeling of waiting someone or missing someone? I bet you know it, who never ever waiting or missing for someone even something at least. The moment after waiting for so long, I have been waiting for every words that you told me, although you just said it “maybe”, but every time I will put in all my excitement to hope for it to come true, however, it have not till this moment. I try to being close and excited whenever we have chance to chat who cares just a few seconds, hmm… what I received was disappointment at the end. I couldn’t blame anyone, is the habit that instinct of me cause to it. Huh… what more I can do?? Is it too early to say give up? Almost 2 months, we are from strange become close… … but maybe is there the limit when both of us just don’t know what actually we think, finally it end up like this, bored after waiting without reason and hope. All the Best in your exam.