feeling of fatigue

Experienced a tired day yesterday, but how can I say so if others people are living their life more busier than me. Anyway let jot down some short short memory here for the day before this as if I still remember. Ya, as promised, I have to help out the student election campaign, 730am right to wait at bus stop? So I just not sleeping well the day before, I slept at 1130pm to make sure I can wake up on time, however, it not really on time, I wake twice which is 1240am and 6am, it was too early compared to the alarm I have setting. Fine, I always stupid like that when I promised someone to do something, I just worry I will get late, so every time I would probably be on time. Unfortunately, it really disappoint me when I received a message at 750am telling us to be gather at 820am, however the time changed again to 930am until the last confirmation was 1030am, the reason was the manifesto faced some problem in photocopy it out. Ya, it sound reasonable so I just wasted my whole morning with a drowsy and sleepy mode.  I remembered I told mama, hmm…. I think I’m a easily persuaded person if people keep convincing me, and I feel that I’m really stupid and get trouble to myself. I think this word really sentimental when she heard that, and she’s joking, “are you saying me?” hehe… just kidding, and we know, it really mean something. Anyway, although responsibility really make people feeling stress, but it usually pay back with unpredicted surprises. Just like if I didn’t force to be papa, I wouldn’t know that many of people and including her, but is it really important, I couldn’t give much more answer towards it anymore. It’s same with as an assistant of student election campaign, I did know more new friend although we just get in touch once in our lifetime, but at least I can talk to some new friends, new opinion, new life. It does matter to me because for me, can interact with new friends are really enjoyable if the person is valueable for you to keep in touch, it not just a simple action of campaign, actually campaign is not a matter if compared with exchange opinion (for me la, not for the candidate). Hmmm… it quite boring when you found that your idea is different with others, so I decided to use my own way to campaign and sure I will go class because the lecture is really interesting to me. But it really lucky because I choose to stay awhile a dataran sastera before go to my last class, just the moment, I saw her walking so fast passing by, so I leaved them and chased over her, she really walked very fast until need me running. I know I’m quite bastard, always appear in silent and make people shock. Anyway, the few seconds do really give some short conversation and she is competing with her coursemates, to see whether walking is faster or waiting for bus? She said she won, but it rather than just win the competition, it something called win over the yuan fen, if she didn’t decide that way and as well of mine, we couldn’t met up. After class, I saw my first year junior and start my personally campaign to them, I think it effective and they promised to do something and vote wisely, hehe… proudly went to library to fill my water. And I starting to wechat her , I was kidding that he is 38 to compete with her coursemate, then I feel that she is angry, first time I saw her put a long zzzzzzzzzzzz, so I guessed, I’m really in trouble now. So I keep apologized but it seem like not really effective and suddenly she stop reply, I’m waiting but just couldn’t, I have training soon, after few minutes, I just replied got to go. But she has no respond too. Fine, the sky is crying and we just couldn’t go for training, so a friend suggests to go KPS PTUM booths, okay, let go. I found that there are some delicious snack, egg tart, portugese tarts, siew pao and etc… Thus I decided to buy her some. When I reached kk I just ran up to call her, make sure she can get it as soon as possible, while I ran back, I saw her at boys block, but I still made a call just she didn’t answered. After training, I saw my phone was full with miss call and messages, I thought one of it was her, but just couldn’t find one, it’s also same in wechat. Hmm… I think I really made her angry this time. Anyway, I have to go buy birthday cake for family ah zai, when backed, I walked up to kk grocery shop to put the cake in refri, suddenly met her, so I talked to her, she kinds like smiling but acting angry at the same time, I just feeling quite confuse with that, “is she teasing me?” No idea at all, I tried my best to talk to her, but she kinda like want to chase me away, so I really feeling exhausted through out the day, I just leaved. Got back room and shower, plan for birthday, everything done at 1am, before sleep I text her and finally she replied, but the message really made me feeling more tiring to reply. Okay, nitezzz. The routine come to the same today, I have to wake up early but not going to campaign anymore, I hide at library but my cute lecturer called me to claim money, wth I went my department at 10am but she just not there, at the same time I met the campaign team, no choice, I have to continue help them, freaking tired until 3pm settled down all my claims and avoid from crowds. What should I do now with a freaking tired body… …

Sunday Fluuuuuuuuu....

Fluuuuuuuuuuu……….. ish what a Sunday with a full shit in nose and it’s really disgusting, no mood at all the whole day, no mood worship, no mood to interact with people, no mood to study, no moooooodddd…. Okay fine, luckily after took a nap and went for basketball, It seem relieved more. Afterwards mooooddddyyyyy again, promised my junior to be her wakil in this coming student election, no mooodddd ah, don’t feel like join actually, but I can help to say something good when I meet up with people, just don’t want the commitment or responsibility tied me up , somemore my good friend know me well, I’m not that kind of people who like to be a full time follower and lead by people, hmm…. I think I’m really sombong hor!! Then a guys come to convince me, ish, I quite respect him, so if he say so, I have to reconsider again, and what he said: “Hey, please help her, she’s actually work very hard in it, so try to help her.” I was thinking like, wth with that, is it matter to me, but I was really fu*cking easily convinced by people when they sincerely look for help from me, am I too altruistic? Haizzzz…. I’m thinking of that words, so I came out with one sentences, “if you didn’t work hard, you have to subordinate under those people who really work hard, that’s me, doesn’t work hard but hope to lead people.” Okay, fine, as promised I have to do for her, and she comforted me, “after decided, don’t think too much already, just do it!” hmm… okay, this what I’m thinking and what I know, but just feel different when she told me so. Yesterday while training basketball, I feel that she is  walking down at the hills, so I like a bit nervous, don’t want let her to see my ugly face while playing ball, but you know, I hope to see her too, just I didn’t wear spectacle, sigh! Suan le ba, continue play my basketball. At night after back from meeting when I walked back and passed through mamak, I saw the gang is still there, so I think like I want to step in and kacau them for awhile, when I get nearer and feel weird, why the people are quite not same with the people just now and they just didn’t realize I’m there, suddenly I saw her, oppsss… I got shocked actually, why she’s here? I was stunned awhile and don’t know why I feel like sure I’ll become stammer if I sit down like past few times, esp that time when raining and I went to accounting faculty. Huh…. I really stupid!!!! Maybe this is the sign of liking someone and you’ll become a stammer while meet her. Yea, I think is right, that’s me. So I feel like want to see her, so I try to think of some excuses, yea, I think they’re business meeting or what something related to that, so I call always happy where is she, but she is in room, haiya.. no chance liao.. but I have to pass her some marketing list too, nevermind a, just come out maybe got chance to see leh, so I got out and she’s talking to phone. I saw people are walking out from bilik siswi after choir practice, so I just walked in kacau kacau awhile, whose know just that few seconds only she passed by and went up, I was like, wth….. like this kind of timing also got ah, fine. Then I told her we no yuan fen, but she didn’t reply me about this. Actually I want to say, after years, what I believes in yuan fen is, the moment we can know each other and meet up quite a number of times, it’s already yuan fen, but we cannot sustain a relationship just based on yuan fen, we have to work hard together to build it up, and we try quite hard to do so I think, I hope this yuan fen and effort can really bring us somewhere beyond the status we have now. I saw her words, about the pendrive, ish…. Last time I didn’t use it and borrowed to my sister, so she changed the pendrive name as her, Jennie; I forgot to change back, sure she will think a lot, she say she’s a cheerful person, but I think, when come to love, she’s easily emooo ba. This is all my fault, I think I give a good signal to her, but I always did some stupid stuff and make her feel another way, ahhh…. Really stupid leh me!!!! hmm… have to prepare for my stuff already, a lot of things haven’t do, gosh, couldn’t comfort her and couldn’t manage my things, that’s why again feel I’m useless, so how I dare would I give a girl promises wor, sigh!!!!!!

Does consensus really a matter?

What a tiring Saturday I have gone through today, it was my friend false la, go drink until late night yesterday (hehe… actually because I want to go too!!), then this morning suddenly woke up early in the morning, I thought can sleep until eleven morning like that, whose know my physically alarm calls me up, damn! Fine, I should feel lucky as well because can do my revision earlier, if tired at the half way, then only go to take a nap, what a perfect plan, so got up! Bad news when I received a call, I have to go church to deliver a something “life planning” workshop for those after PMR student, actually I knew it, but just attempt to skip it, so bad leh, haha… but I failed to do so. Nevermind, 330pm at the noon, still have time, so I started doing nonsense and pointless stuff, surfing the internet and facebook-ing, suddenly saw a previous news about SPM moral exam paper issues, wow… everyone is scolding the ministry of education, why they can changed the format of exam paper without letting the student know, it is not fair! Hmm… I was thinking and I’m quite naughty sometimes, when one group of people are getting scolded harshly, usually I will help out them to think of some other perspective whether it is able to fight back. Okay, so I thought of something and start writing some opinion. Second bad news came when the phone rang again, “ hey, de rong, will you come to church today?” Ya, I would, why? What time you’ll come, need you to fetch student at 12pm! Wth… I looking at the clock, it showing 1145am, 15min less for me to rush there, I’m like, okay…. Maybe will late for few minutes, so I continue to finish my opinion in short and go for bath, then walk quickly to church, luckily the sun was not really hot, I just sweating a little. That is why I’m thinking, my Saturday going to end without doing my homework, okay, it’s proven now because I still can blogging here, guilty times two. Actually is really freaking tired, I slept at 3am something and woke at 8am, not my lifestyle and it really make me sleepy, need to drive student somemore, really dangerous. Again we argued a lot in some opinion, hmm… I think she really a kampong girl la, she surprised me again with one things. She told me one day if she has a bf, she will definitely offer him to wash his clothes, I’m like, wth you want wash your bf clothes, let him wash himself la. But she just say that , no, “ because I will sayang him lor (chuckle)..” What the… I really feel like this girl ah, really super duper tradisional leh, the guys haven’t become her husband already she offered this such of chores service. I really cannot understand lo, but frankly say, it really feeling sweet and warm if a girl says that to you. But cannot la, I’m a gender studies student leh, I fight for gender equality leh, I want help my gf wash her clothes too. But she strongly refuse that her bf wash her clothes, then forgot how we talk about jeans, she said even herself couldn’t squeeze her jeans properly, then I was feel like, great, then we can help out each other, girl wash clothes and man squeeze jeans, fair enough, but she refuse to separate like that again. I was like, fair up to argue with her liao. Then suddenly pop out another topic she said, I also wouldn’t let my bf help me to wear shoe, then I found it out more curious and ask WHY? Boy helps girl wear shoe is such a big romantic and warm action, wouldn’t you know about that simple concept? She just couldn’t agree anymore to me and said, I cannot let my bf kneel over me. Then I continue debate and fight for my stance, I said you see, when a guy proposed to a girl : “would you marry me”, he will kneel down too to show his sincerity right? How romantic is it to a girl. She always gave some different answer, cannot again she said, my brother proposed to her gf on the plane, but he didn’t kneel down too, and the girl promised to marry her. I was like, okay, stop arguing , I will help my life partner to wash clothes and kneel over her , it just a symbol of love and romantic. She just said, fine. Hmm… Anyway, I found out everything is much more interesting now , I like to argue in this way although we cannot reach the same consensus. 

Floating here and there

Starting is always the hardest step, just like the idea to start an essay writing, the decision to do something or the courage to bear some responsibility, but once you decided, everything would be different no matter what the result you going to get is good or bad, at least, you tried. I’m now facing this problem, I even stuck in floating, lost in mind, don’t know what to do although there should be something to do, I was too useless to live my life I think. Times never wait for anyone if you not going to move forwards, then you’ll be dragged long away without any traces would be left for you. Argh, the reality is cruel but I just still cover my eye with coward and decadent. Maybe some of you will think of I’m a steady person, and that’s just what I pretend of I am, the reality was not. I lost myself and cheat myself as I cheating people for such a long time. When only I will awake!!! I hate myself, my bad behavior and timid attitude not only causing my own destiny, but it affect other people too. I feel so sorry to her as I not dare to comfort her when she feel unconfident towards herself, I’m trying so many times of giving her some cues, but she kept thought that I’m dislike her, no… I never mean that. Such as yesterday, I told her I received an anonymous noticed, I just want to let her know what happing in my daily life, which girls is chatting to me, I’m not showing off but I remembered, she said that she wouldn’t let her bf to chat with other girls, yes, I admit I couldn’t accept this, but I promised I’ll tell her who I chat with, to prove I’m not lie better than I chat secretly right? So I told her, but she just felt unhappy not because of me, but towards herself, I just felt sorry to her too. In a sudden, I asked about her mum coming birthday and get to know more about her family background, she’s really a good girl to her mum, she miss her mum always, but what I felt shock was, her dad is not stay with them but works at Singapore, I just wouldn’t understand how deserves she would be to stay with her dad always, she needs a lot of care I think? So I asking myself, are you really able to take care and caring, love her always? I’m floating again. I told her I’m going to extend my years of study, and she asked why not you go to work? Again, the economically unsecure feeling spring up in my mind, yea, girls need secure, I questioned myself again, can i? can i? I told her, I want to continue studying, Master until PhD, I want to be lecturer, this is just an excuse, actually I lost when I thought of future, can i? Her expression was like, smile and ignore. Oh yea, fine, I feel really useless. I knew I’ll be back early on the Friday morning, so I feel like date her for a dinner before I backed, somewhere but sure don’t want to be at 4^th mamak, but I just couldn’t say it out properly, okay, done, we met another guy form kk, forget about it. At night, we chat a lot in wechat, there’s suddenly a question : “邱德荣,are you entertaining me now?” I was like, shit, what happen? I say something wrong? I slide back what I have typed, I felt that, why I’m like flirting her, wth am I doing? I tried to explain so much to her, but she just said, “why make so complicated (smug)” , “Why don’t you just answer neither(either la I think, hahaha, just realized..) in yes or no ” , so I have to answer, I’m thinking am I wrong if I entertain(make fun) with a girl that I like in a polite way? So I answer No, because I feel that I want to make her happy and laugh. She realized that I have something problem and she suddenly said, “lets go out jogging now”, I really stunned for few seconds, is it real? Just I didn’t rub my eye because I know it will end up in hoping but just couldn’t work that way. It just reminded me that we know the Iphone 4S give out would be a big joke and impossible, but we say we are curious for it, she say she’s curious whether is it real, and I’m curious why the people will believe, so let go discover together. However what I believe is, we hope to come out together to talk more, is it what you thought of too? You call me and ask how the situation there, I told you that it just a scam, the moment when you asking where am I and you look like want to come out as well, but me just spoil it saying I already in room, there’re nothing special, I should just say, let hang out there! Actually I’m quite nervous too when talk to her. You asked me, I like mandarin so much? I said yes, I really love that so much because it is my medium from I born till now, and I put lot of afford in it. I still remembered once I asked my best friend in KK, “ hey, I found that I fall in love with banana leh!! I’m trying my best to learn English and get closer with her.” Then this dumb just scold me, “Diam la, impossible one, your mandarin too pro , couldn’t work out.” His words really affect me, ya, impossible, I don’t know how to appreciate English song…… errr… everything that about English la, because it really hard to me to understand, my English really sucks la!! But God really like to fool people, I fall in love again to an English educated girl, haiz… luckily she still can communicate mandarin with me, and I can notice , she’s trying her best to write a little bit mandarin sometimes. Hahaha… but really funny when I saw her mandarin words, it examined my ability of chinese to know her pinyin with different words. I really feel appreciate for that. I know she likes Bob Marley songs, so I searched some to listen, “is this love” etc. although I not really understand what the rhythm of the song want to bring out, I just listen, I believe it take time. Then I told her my first impression when I first saw her, she liked feel disappointed to herself when I say she’s a kampong girl, but I not feeling disgusted, I really feel that It is special, somemore when I found out what I thought of her is actually all wrong. Haha….  Today I dated her to hang out together as so lucky I can get car form my sister but she just refused because she is busy, hmm… really quite sad actually, but homework is more important since she’s stress with her maths tutorial presentation. It’s my fault too, I should firmly told her, I want to date you out? But what make me float again, I really worry that how if I give her hope and at the end, I hurt her? I’ll definitely couldn’t forgive myself since she’s such a good girl. Haizzz… I told her last time, she will fail her 3^rd relationship, why I say so is under some conditioning actually, I’m worry what she want for her new bf is all because what her previous bf hurt her, she scared she will get hurt the same way, so she set a lot of rule to her new bf, I think that’s not healthy in a relationship if she still live in previous shadow. I found that I getting more busy because my slow progression of work, seem like I will end up my last few week in passive action. I made her relations with other worst because of me, I really feel so sorry to her , hope everything can get well soon and back to the happy track. See, this is my problem, i just couldn't write things correctly according to the title - floating here and there. fine. 

Ode to Love

" Obviously this would be my first blogging in English, maybe it might be the last as well. Hehe… First of all, please ignore all of the grammar mistake or misusing of vocabulary, anywhere, if you feel free, you can correct all the mistake through the comment, great appreciation from those who feel free. Hahaha… Secondly, as my previous blog shown, I’m fully Chinese oriented writing person, so if some sentences that you couldn’t understand in English context, switch your mind into Chinese – English translation forms, that might help you a lot in understand the whole message that would like to bring out in this blogging. "

Ode to love (歌颂爱情) is something long ago which I wish to write about in mandarin version, anyway, the feeling to write it out is not yet mature for me to do so. I hope I can experience more before I’m truly able to ode to love happily. Here is the story that make me awake again to live my life, people like to say I’m a person who mindly stuck with pessimistic views all the time, I just feel like… emm.. No, it just some different perspective of happiness where I constructed it by a pessimistic way in the term of romantic, isn’t it wrong? At the end, I have to admit that I’m a pessimistic person instead of giving out any excuses. I have to traced back to last year while I’m a second year student in University, I met a girl who always smile and laugh happily, and definitely she is classified as optimism girls as well. Starting at that time, I was attracting by her “happy go lucky” lifestyle , so I think I can be optimism as her, at the end, I found that nothing change much, I’m still prefer the kind of mindset I have which I like to define it as “romantic” rather than pessimistic. Err… afterwards, just ignored. Something change this year when I first enter my third year life, I feel like want to isolated myself from the crowds especially the life at college, the reason I given is because I would be very busy this year due to my thesis year, but the person who knows me well, they know that not the main reason for it. Okay, I have to straight to the point because I late to my class without preparing and reading. Few times while I’m walking in campus, I saw a girl quite often, the images I got from her appearances were, ya, she’s an introvert person, and I think she’s definitely a kampong girl (because she always wearing sport track and don’t know what sport T-shirt), hmm… quite a nice looking girl, but I know, I won’t have to chance to know her, further if we are not from the same faculty or college, so stop think of it. But what make me couldn’t stop think of it was, I often meet her while I’m walking here or there, at least twice to third times a week. Fine, impossible I just simply struck up with her, is funny man, although I admit sometimes I’m quite flirty, but I won’t do this kind of malu stuff if I really don’t know someone at all. Something has changed the situation, her kampong look I mean, one day, she’s wearing college T-shirt and now I knew she’s from the same college as mine. No, I convinced myself again, so what, I want to isolate myself and we just have no chance to talk to each other. Time flies, day by day thing just slowly changing without any clear consciously symptom and I talked to her, knowing her, going out with her…….  At first I found out we are frankly enough to talk with each other, the funniest was, she told me what annoyed her, I was feel like, hmm… we just know each other once and the girl's telling me her blame , wt… weirdo enough, fine again, she’s friendly enough I think.  After that I just losing control again, I started to do some crazy stuff for her when I feel that she’s doing such goods to me too. This is what I always hope for, love in first sight , which mean both of a couple will appreciate each effort towards them. This is also the reason why, I admit, I did feeling love to quite many girls before, but I just didn’t proposed to them because I couldn’t feel that we are able to being together. Horr.. pulling back to the pessimistic or optimism, now I feel the way to be optimism, it is not just you forced yourself to be, but someone make you feel the happiness inside and it would sparkling by itself. I can feel the right feeling but as the same problem, I’m cowards enough to bear the long losing responsibility, and a person economically unsecure with unpromisable for a better future for another person. Huh… couldn’t write anymore, sweat liao, class time. Not related to topic at all == hahaha...

十年前那座山上的故事

这一天，我又细细回味了十年前那在山顶上的童真。

童年的回忆是不是总令人特别难忘怀，或者换种方式说，幼稚的行为是不是都特别铭心刻骨；很多时候，我们宁愿幼稚，也不想生命留白——也许这就是童真之所以为什么难忘怀。

那是一次的小学毕业旅行团，顾名思义，我们都六年级了、我们都挨过了小六评估考试、我们……要享受最后的童年时光，至今，我们都忘了谢谢、谢谢老师们为我们预备这么一段难能可贵的回忆。

旅行予我而言是件极度宝贵的事，除了每次新年都会回外婆家，我想我就不曾再踏足其它的州属领地了。

所以我很珍惜，也像一位从乡下第一次远航的山芭佬，期待着……

巴士上大伙儿都会有说有笑，三五成群、不时还有些荷尔蒙早育的男孩儿去调戏后座的女孩儿，操他的我怎么都不会！

巴士上总会有个自闭儿，喜欢静静的躲在窗帘布后、默默地看着路途上的风景，然后就会分外兴奋，“哗！好美啊。”虽说时隔已十年，可那一段山路，记忆中还真的好险。

其实我并不是自闭儿，喜欢静静地不说话并不是因为冷酷，只是我比较渴望和珍惜每一次的出游，欣赏那沿途的美。回想起来，这习惯好像也伴随了我十年，这十年来朋友总会问我，“怎么在巴士上都不说话？”，我想我找到了答案。

抵达山顶后就是一阵阵冷风吹袭而来，天真愚蠢的想原来马来西亚还有这么清新凉爽的地方，好想就搬来这儿住了。

如果没记错抵达后就差不多是晚餐时段了，老师就带我们走到住宿下的生锅店，嘿，吃火锅还是第一次。火锅店里印象最深刻的莫过于一位朋友的杂技表演，哦，是打蛋表演。

“等我来啦，怎么讲我爸爸都是炒果条的咧！”他自信的边拿起蛋、边站起来，还与众不同的只用了单手来打蛋。

啪挞，蛋壳被敲破了、大伙儿顿时安静了两秒、看着蛋从高空中掉落……然后大伙儿就捧腹大笑，蛋掉进了火锅起火的地方、一阵极度难闻的焦味渐渐的散发了出来。

有人取笑到，“真不愧是炒果条的孩子，连打蛋都能那么准的打入火锅起火的地方”。大家就捧着笑腹逃离那恶臭的现场，个个入侵其它的桌子当寄居蟹、继续抢吃！

能在这大冷天冒汗的感觉真不错，吃完火锅的时间也不早，大家就开始冲凉然后闲聊到睡去。

从小就少用热水器冲凉的我完全忽视且懒惰去研究那热水器是如何操作的，拿起了花洒，开水往身体冲。水洒在身体的霎那，仿佛自己就浸在冰水中，冷冻无比、一阵尖叫声在心中呐喊，这就是无知的后果。

认真地想想其实也蛮安慰的；一个一米五高又拖着七十磅身躯的人竟然也能冷到不像样，原来，不论肥瘦，大家都是平等的——都会冷到呱呱叫！

冲完凉就冷到躲在被窝里取暖，只是周遭的朋友都不见了。四处游荡下才发现，他们又在挑逗那些天真无邪的小女孩，我只好也找些伴，那些也懵懂不会挑逗的小男孩，然后在床上慢慢地睡去。

一早起来几个乡下小男孩就跑到楼下，看着眼前那不曾看过的冷冷薄雾，散步其中。早餐后就展开了游览这山的行程，什么仙人掌园、菜园、草莓园、蜜蜂园……除了那可怕的蜜蜂稍微有趣，其它的都闷毙了。

快乐的时光过得总是特别的快，就这样要离开这小时候以为的世外桃源，大家都抱着开怀的心情下山去。欣喜分外的时沿途巴士停在了一座的瀑布旁，大家看到瀑布都疯狂的往那冲去，当然我也不例外。

来到瀑布竟然不能溪水，只怕弄湿了要换衣是件麻烦的事。所以大伙儿不知哪只毛狸带起了抛石头这游戏。你抛我丢他掷……没想到还蛮好玩的，抛石头就这样僵持了好一段时间。突然站我前面的那家伙来个快速的蹲下身，眼前就一粒石头往自己飞来，闪不了！啊！！！！石头打在嘴角上，嘴唇开始流出了鲜血，那抛石头的和我都给吓坏了，就只有我和那抛石头的，其他的还很兴奋地继续抛，真没人性，哈哈……

那抛石子的很内疚的跟我上回巴士疗伤，心想，怎么那么倒霉呀。突然，大家都想起了刚才在蜜蜂园买蜂蜜时那店长说的话，这是特别好的蜂蜜，如果那里有伤口，你是可以敷在上面的。那抛石子的很被迫的拿出他的蜂蜜，递给我，你敷吧，那我就不客气了。这次的小伤还蛮感动的，至少还有其他的朋友也愿意拿出他们那昂贵的蜂蜜，只是并不需要这么的多。

金马仑之旅啊，有让人笑破肚的事、有温馨的事、有那荷尔蒙早熟的事、有悲剧的事…… 十年前，仍烙印的回忆。

教训

今天是星期五，特别的是我从家里提着那回校的心情，感觉很奇怪不符。原因很简单，每次回校不是星期日就是星期一，像这种星期四回家星期五又得回校的案例还是第一次！踏在学校回宿舍的路上，看着那么多人涌上巴士、看着图书馆的灯还亮着、看着街道上还有那么多路人、看着有人提着行李回家去……我需要不断地向自己解释，今天是星期五，所以这些景象是正常的。

我在想，是自己这两年多来的大学生涯形塑了的习惯还是自己对于环境的适应与敏锐过于松散不谨？我必须给自己一个答案，前者是肯定的，后者却是自己的疏忽而导致理智上的不符习惯。

昨天是星期四，我提早回了家；原因有二，一是来临的星期六需要去金马伦一游、顺便回家学学驾驶休旅车、回家秀秀脸，其二是想找老师谈谈论文的纲要所需要合作的机构。目的一总算达到了，目的二却并非如人所意那么顺畅，我基于自己的懒散与不慎和对于学术敏锐度的缺欠，上了宝贵的一次教训。

是，我好像成功的把自己的研究目的给说了出来，可是那毕竟是教授的提点，至于我被问到其它问题的时候，我的回答只是：“不知道、不清楚……”诸如此类不负责任的答案，结果被痛训一顿。

我想他是了解我的，“你从以前到现在就是这样，什么都说不知道、没有主见、缺乏信心、怕负起责任所以什么都说不知道、要别人帮你决定！你这样的性格迟早就害死你，现在就差不多了！”我突然清醒了过来，好像很久没有人这样训我了，就算有，我也会很快躲回自己的安全区，然后尝试掩饰自己的软弱，再博彩。

想了下，我以前都会很引以为傲的说：“我是个特别的幼子，我比其他幼子都独立！”幼子在众人想法中原本就是依赖的特征，可是我却仗着有点小成就就这样向天下人宣告；原来，我真的不是独立的那个。从小，很多的决定都是由哥哥来说，为什么星期六要去练网球，不知道你有补习吗！然后我总会乖乖就范的说“是”。做这做那，就算有了自己的决定，最终都需要听从哥哥姐姐的吩咐。来到服装也是一样，因为从小就被批眼光老土，所以就把一切自主权都交给了姐姐；你买，我穿。这一切是好还是坏？是哥哥对弟弟的保护还是霸道？是姐姐对弟弟的在意还是扼杀？我需要给自己一个交代，不是责怪，而是坦然，我会说，那的确是保护和在意，可是它更是自己的懦弱与懒散，我不会为自己所要的辩护与追求、我不会因为自己的眼光老土而多加努力去学习……这些日子我就这样畏畏缩缩的生存下来！

我还记得，“难道你连结婚娶老婆都不知道？要别人帮你决定？”此刻我愣了，我发现我好像真的连择偶的能力也丧失了，更多的可能是我不敢负起那拥有一位伴侣的责任！呵呵……这是多么可悲的事！每次看着别人站起来主动去带领某些事，我总会为自己找借口，“做人都是不要那么眩啦、难道我不会么？不是给他们去咯……”又或者来到交友，打从中五开始我就不怎么去约人，没人陪最多不就自己去，没什么大不了。说实在的，这是一种害怕和不负责任，害怕寂寞可是又担心被拒绝，所以最终选择了宁可寂寞也不要尝受被拒绝的滋味，那是因为，曾经被抛弃的感觉，真的不好受！

无论是昨晚走在那喧哗的印度街道上、还是躺在那寂静的床褥中、有或步行在这不规律的星期五，心情是很难受矛盾的，我可以怎么样摆脱这样滥性格？这个下午，我遇上了一位学妹，她说她还没吃午餐，问我有什么好吃的，这句话立即让那句痛训回荡在脑海中，我逼着自己去做决定、去想，可是我发现，我真的很不会做决定。

“你想吃什么类型的餐点？中餐、西餐、日本餐、韩国餐？”我尝试让自己努力的决定，可这始终还是提问。

“那……韩国餐吧。”她说道

。

“贵的、便宜的还是中中的？”我知道这问题是多余的，只是自己的思绪真的在打仗。

我再问，“给你选择，这里我知道的有DUBU-DUBU、BULGOGI BROTHER 和 GARDENS FOODCOURT的，你要哪间？”我再对每间店稍加了解释。

最终的决定，还是使用了排出法才有了落脚的地方。这是决定吗？我霎时矛盾了起来。

走在星期五的路上，我不停的在想，这也会是我常犯的毛病吧？“宁可不曾努力的失败、也不要努力了后失败！”其实这是联想到了上一段尝试努力追求的恋情，这是我害怕的吗？这是我潜意识中陪伴了我多年的绊脚石吗？我需要时间、我需要再认真、振作起来！

能够有个懂我的人，然后痛斥我一番，我很感激，希望努力，不会令人失望了。