Floating here and there

Starting is always the hardest step, just like the idea to start an essay writing, the decision to do something or the courage to bear some responsibility, but once you decided, everything would be different no matter what the result you going to get is good or bad, at least, you tried. I’m now facing this problem, I even stuck in floating, lost in mind, don’t know what to do although there should be something to do, I was too useless to live my life I think. Times never wait for anyone if you not going to move forwards, then you’ll be dragged long away without any traces would be left for you. Argh, the reality is cruel but I just still cover my eye with coward and decadent. Maybe some of you will think of I’m a steady person, and that’s just what I pretend of I am, the reality was not. I lost myself and cheat myself as I cheating people for such a long time. When only I will awake!!! I hate myself, my bad behavior and timid attitude not only causing my own destiny, but it affect other people too. I feel so sorry to her as I not dare to comfort her when she feel unconfident towards herself, I’m trying so many times of giving her some cues, but she kept thought that I’m dislike her, no… I never mean that. Such as yesterday, I told her I received an anonymous noticed, I just want to let her know what happing in my daily life, which girls is chatting to me, I’m not showing off but I remembered, she said that she wouldn’t let her bf to chat with other girls, yes, I admit I couldn’t accept this, but I promised I’ll tell her who I chat with, to prove I’m not lie better than I chat secretly right? So I told her, but she just felt unhappy not because of me, but towards herself, I just felt sorry to her too. In a sudden, I asked about her mum coming birthday and get to know more about her family background, she’s really a good girl to her mum, she miss her mum always, but what I felt shock was, her dad is not stay with them but works at Singapore, I just wouldn’t understand how deserves she would be to stay with her dad always, she needs a lot of care I think? So I asking myself, are you really able to take care and caring, love her always? I’m floating again. I told her I’m going to extend my years of study, and she asked why not you go to work? Again, the economically unsecure feeling spring up in my mind, yea, girls need secure, I questioned myself again, can i? can i? I told her, I want to continue studying, Master until PhD, I want to be lecturer, this is just an excuse, actually I lost when I thought of future, can i? Her expression was like, smile and ignore. Oh yea, fine, I feel really useless. I knew I’ll be back early on the Friday morning, so I feel like date her for a dinner before I backed, somewhere but sure don’t want to be at 4^th mamak, but I just couldn’t say it out properly, okay, done, we met another guy form kk, forget about it. At night, we chat a lot in wechat, there’s suddenly a question : “邱德荣,are you entertaining me now?” I was like, shit, what happen? I say something wrong? I slide back what I have typed, I felt that, why I’m like flirting her, wth am I doing? I tried to explain so much to her, but she just said, “why make so complicated (smug)” , “Why don’t you just answer neither(either la I think, hahaha, just realized..) in yes or no ” , so I have to answer, I’m thinking am I wrong if I entertain(make fun) with a girl that I like in a polite way? So I answer No, because I feel that I want to make her happy and laugh. She realized that I have something problem and she suddenly said, “lets go out jogging now”, I really stunned for few seconds, is it real? Just I didn’t rub my eye because I know it will end up in hoping but just couldn’t work that way. It just reminded me that we know the Iphone 4S give out would be a big joke and impossible, but we say we are curious for it, she say she’s curious whether is it real, and I’m curious why the people will believe, so let go discover together. However what I believe is, we hope to come out together to talk more, is it what you thought of too? You call me and ask how the situation there, I told you that it just a scam, the moment when you asking where am I and you look like want to come out as well, but me just spoil it saying I already in room, there’re nothing special, I should just say, let hang out there! Actually I’m quite nervous too when talk to her. You asked me, I like mandarin so much? I said yes, I really love that so much because it is my medium from I born till now, and I put lot of afford in it. I still remembered once I asked my best friend in KK, “ hey, I found that I fall in love with banana leh!! I’m trying my best to learn English and get closer with her.” Then this dumb just scold me, “Diam la, impossible one, your mandarin too pro , couldn’t work out.” His words really affect me, ya, impossible, I don’t know how to appreciate English song…… errr… everything that about English la, because it really hard to me to understand, my English really sucks la!! But God really like to fool people, I fall in love again to an English educated girl, haiz… luckily she still can communicate mandarin with me, and I can notice , she’s trying her best to write a little bit mandarin sometimes. Hahaha… but really funny when I saw her mandarin words, it examined my ability of chinese to know her pinyin with different words. I really feel appreciate for that. I know she likes Bob Marley songs, so I searched some to listen, “is this love” etc. although I not really understand what the rhythm of the song want to bring out, I just listen, I believe it take time. Then I told her my first impression when I first saw her, she liked feel disappointed to herself when I say she’s a kampong girl, but I not feeling disgusted, I really feel that It is special, somemore when I found out what I thought of her is actually all wrong. Haha….  Today I dated her to hang out together as so lucky I can get car form my sister but she just refused because she is busy, hmm… really quite sad actually, but homework is more important since she’s stress with her maths tutorial presentation. It’s my fault too, I should firmly told her, I want to date you out? But what make me float again, I really worry that how if I give her hope and at the end, I hurt her? I’ll definitely couldn’t forgive myself since she’s such a good girl. Haizzz… I told her last time, she will fail her 3^rd relationship, why I say so is under some conditioning actually, I’m worry what she want for her new bf is all because what her previous bf hurt her, she scared she will get hurt the same way, so she set a lot of rule to her new bf, I think that’s not healthy in a relationship if she still live in previous shadow. I found that I getting more busy because my slow progression of work, seem like I will end up my last few week in passive action. I made her relations with other worst because of me, I really feel so sorry to her , hope everything can get well soon and back to the happy track. See, this is my problem, i just couldn't write things correctly according to the title - floating here and there. fine.