A whole new world

Are there really a whole new world ? A theme songs of Aladdin’s animation, a dude singing between Aladdin and Princess Jasmine.

Aladdin: I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

Aladdin:I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

Aladdin: A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

Is this the confession of Prince Aladdin to Princess Jasmine, he will bring her to a whole new world, where the world actually constructed with a new fantastic of point of views. Can we say that what actually shaped a new world for a person is their brand new of point towards their life?

Aladdin : With new horizon to pursue

A whole new world not only required a new fantastic point of view, but it actually come with a new horizon to pursue. Do we have the new horizon to pursue once we met each other? Is the sense of future that we gonna pursue for something. Is that what a whole new world means?

Both : Let me share this whole new world with you

When both of the prince and princess came to a same consensus, this would be the declared of them to sing together, “let share the whole new world together with you and me.”  

I wonder know, are there really a whole new world, the day when I met you, I start to change my life, to have a fantastic point of view, to a new horizon to pursue, to share our life together…

Or say we’re only dreaming? 

I hope the answer is NO. How do i wish there is a whole new world for me and you to pursue. 

bluuuueeeee & late habits

It's my 100 post !!! huh... i thought i want to post mandarin de, whose know ended up with this, fine. 

Time passed so fast with my indiscipline routine of lifestyle, after that day I stopped my feeling to do assignment and keep hang out with friend for some “reasonable” reason, I just couldn’t catch up anymore to start my study and working mode well until today. Luckily I still can done my assignment earlier so that I not really need to worry for that. Started last Friday night till today, I just experienced Christmas Eve and Christmas, afterwards ordinary day will great expectation but everything seem went wrong again. Okay let say for the Christmas eve, I thought not to join the celebration at church, the reason is obvious where the friend who grow up with me together were all disappear, anyway it not a big problem, I can just interact with other since is a day we should mix up together, celebration right. However I just don’t have the feeling to celebrate. When I planned to escape, I saw people are busy helping to take out those food, some of them are busy rehearsal for their performance, seem like I’m the one who really freaking damn free that night, waliao… impossible I don’t help and walk away right!! So I helped, once I help, it just not go to stop until the celebration end, at the same time, I thought I want to use the time to brainstorm for Christmas activity, and it spoiled. However, it really impacted me a lot on that night, what’s actually relationship? Maybe we can talk about our relationship with Jesus since it’s Christmas eve, but I’m thinking of what’s actually the relation between Church and member, member and Jesus, member and member; yet what’s the relationship between Church, Jesus and member? I don’t know whether other churches faced the same situation here, but what my observation and participation, I feel that the usually the youth members here, after they grow up, what left within their belief is just left out with the burden of service in church. Is it true? It’s just my opinions. Hence they leaved rather than stay, why? From my explaination, something went wrong in our belief, what built our believe was service, without that, belief aren’t something, it goes blank. Maybe for me would be the same, if not because of the Christmas duty, I wouldn’t be there on eve for sure. Furthermore, what’s relationship, what’s love towards a girl? Ya, I start wondering to know, what’s Love? I think I deeply fall in love again. Hehe… the symptom of me when deeply fell in love was, I’ll went irrational all the time, I’ll end up my time to miss someone when she didn’t care for me. Time passed, I witnessed how my heart falling in love to her, and now, maybe my feeling doesn’t went wrong; for the same, time passed, her heart is falling apart from me. Is it that sad should be spoken out? I told her, I did everything quite late, I always late!!! I late to make appointment with her for outing, I late to tell her that I boiled her some herbs, I late to tell her that I bought her some insect bite’s cream, I late to confirm with her when will she be backed, so I did everything late, I thought I want to confirm first, how actually my heart my feeling thought of her, I just don’t want to hurt anyone. However what happening was, she took time too, maybe she just found out I’m not the one because I’m a flirty guys? To be honest, I stopped flirting, that’s what I have to be admitted I was flirty although I doesn’t agree more at the first, since people see me that way, I just admit and talk properly. The late thing I ever did was, I thought time can tie us more closely, but I was wrong, I late to tell her that I actually have feeling towards her. It’s just a noob fishee that couldn’t sense with so called 6 sense correctly. What to say, I have to say it’s my late to confess. After Christmas, I rushed back and thought she will be alone here, whose know at the end, I ended up lonely here throughout the week. My mood directly turned bad and wasting time for the whole day doing nothing. This is the symptom, stupid symptom that I ever had. Ya, merry Christmas and happy new year should stay happy, this is a colorful season, we have to paint our own life own day with colorful mood and day timeline. Oh yea, I went to shopping you know, to take my notes from friend actually because the stupid me when rushed back, just forgot to bring them back. So coincidently my friend come to town, just ask for help that’s why I just slacked at shopping mall. My planned for the gift that have to buy for family member(someone’s birthday is coming soon), really cracked my brain to think for their present. I wonder know how long and how many creative idea that my mind can sustain, I’ll end up not creative to my girlfriend one day, I don’t want!! But how wor, is my responsibility to do all this since I have promised! L Suddenly when I stepped in a shop, I have a great idea, so I actually DIY a gift, when I feeling proud and passing around, people just asked, why is it so ugly?? I was like, wth is it really worst?? I used up many times to design with the limited resources la, I put in my effort so much but what I received was……… haiz, fine, my sense of beauty really something wrong.  Christmas right, although originally it doesn’t mean much to buy gift in bible, because Jesus himself is the gift and shepherd + Doctor came to him and gave him gift, so I really not that familiar to buy gift for others. People will ask from me, “where my gift?” my answer would be, “sorry I didn’t celebrate Christmas.” Actually I meant I didn’t celebrate the Christmas meaning which construct by the consumerism. Pheww… but gift definitely would be a great memory for someone you like, so since I came, I squeeze my brain again to seek for some meaningful gift. I couldn’t think of many, yet, present is something meaning itself, and what meaning that we gonna attached on it. So at the end I bought something for her. You know, I quite worry it will turn up like last few times, she just refused to take it. Anyway, I try my best ler. I wonder am I really not suitable to talk about love? Maybe just not mature enough to bear some responsibility, if it really meant to let go, I have to and be prepared for sure!! It’s really a bluuuueeee bluuuueee weeks. 

7:48pm (the time after tweet tweet.) Do you understanding the feeling of waiting someone or missing someone? I bet you know it, who never ever waiting or missing for someone even something at least. The moment after waiting for so long, I have been waiting for every words that you told me, although you just said it “maybe”, but every time I will put in all my excitement to hope for it to come true, however, it have not till this moment. I try to being close and excited whenever we have chance to chat who cares just a few seconds, hmm… what I received was disappointment at the end. I couldn’t blame anyone, is the habit that instinct of me cause to it. Huh… what more I can do?? Is it too early to say give up? Almost 2 months, we are from strange become close… … but maybe is there the limit when both of us just don’t know what actually we think, finally it end up like this, bored after waiting without reason and hope. All the Best in your exam. 

简述书店一巧谈

“虽困在雨中，却迎着阳光。”

到书店寻找一本书，店主走来给予咨询，很遗憾的，书店并没有这一本书。店主突然用很疑惑的语气抛出了一道问题，语气虽然显得疑惑，其实那更是一种谦虚地表现、他继续的解释自己的疑问。

从圣经旧约摩西时代到约书亚带百姓入迦南地再看现今大马社会处境，这一场扰人发愁的雨却无意间让自己的思维如下过一场雨的清新，很多潜在的问题，都在习惯性忽略质疑与询问中冷落了，社会性的问题和历史所能扯上的似曾相似，实在叫人耳惊一场。

“究竟殖民主义的影响对第三世界的影响有多深厚，殖民主义与排他的概念又从何而来？”店主那突然的疑问。

最近对着关于人类脑部的记忆运作，当我们尝试对一件事情的发生给予回应的时候，人脑很自然会组织起曾经的经验与知识去反应，这是一种人脑自然把历史联系的功能。也许是这样，一种人类头脑自然的功能，成为了我们人类在社会性的时间上，同样需要寻找相似的例子，给予分析与回应。

基于以上所提问的问题，店主这样的答复。会不会是圣经里常常在教堂里听教而来的，所谓的信徒与非信徒、我们和非我们、跟从耶稣的何不跟从耶稣的，会不会是这种看似表面的字义成为了西方国家展开殖民的手法，所谓第三世界、不文明的人类，我们和他们的差别。

殖民主义会否间接的植根于教会传教的一种理念，非信奉者的就该被分割，要么就乖乖就范，要么就势不两立；对于这种习惯性的分割，再加上我们处在马来西亚这块多元文化与族群的土地上，我们面对的张力已经不再是单单西方国家的压力、甚至是本土多元的冲突，基于不同而产生的不和谐。我们（基督徒）真的需要这么像殖民主义般的思维去传教吗？当然，这是每个宗教都需要质问的问题。在想，似乎宗教的差异远超乎文化的差异，明显的，文化的张力总小于宗教那种霸道急于同化的理念。

说到多元族群，再看迦南时代，百姓进入一个全新的多元文化中，第一要去做的就是侵略他族、然后将其灭绝。因此多数人总会质问，为何犹太教那么残忍？可是我们却忽略了“灭绝”这词的后续故事。当圣经提及灭绝后，普遍上总觉得是杀光，可是为何随后这个所谓被杀光的族群又会出现，然后还影响这群尝试杀光他族人的族群呢？很简单，灭绝并非那么字意的解释，而是灭绝可以基于几种状况。一，杀光，显然不是。二，侵略文化，再同化。三，将其边缘、隔绝。四，立约谈判。但是有趣的是，为何一个拥有侵入能力的族群，至终却被反同化呢？

店主借此尝试解释马来西亚处境。独立时期的华人显然比马来人来得聪明文明，所以多数华人喜欢侮辱马来同胞懒惰、猪之类的用语。马来同胞就这样因为自己的“不文明”而被逼附属于华人之下（我想这思维至今，还是多数华人无法抛开的偏见）。可是最近我们可以发现的是，在敦马哈迪时代，他如何培育起一批一批的马来精英，至今我们无法不承认，这土地存在着不少的马来人知识分子，境况完全颠倒。如果华人还一直认为他们是经济的主要贡献，恐怕在马来人崛起的霎那，他们将背负自大的后果。也许犹太人就是基于骄傲，而让崛起中的外邦人反影响、沦落。

当然，焦点还是在于，究竟多元群体可以如何在多元中寻找平衡、寻找尊重，视人为生命、视生命为合一、视合一为共存。

圣经中一再重复的历史不断的在给予人类警示，可惜人类看到的就只是谁即将拥有更大的权威去同化谁，那实在是太可惜了。“为寻求全民、全人类、全世界和谐而奋斗。”

困在雨中……

syok day

9:31 pm : (WTH to my blog it just made me couldnt post any words normally!!! the better surf adv apps has invaded my system yet i dont know how to remove it, sweat!! how come this kinds of immoral entrepreneurs can do such things just to make profit, walao!!! angry!!!)

11:59pm :(Finally the better surf apps has been deleted!!! huh... take my time to figure out how to clear it, so now i can post things as usual... dont kacau me please viruses...)

* 6:00pm :Should I take a long break after two presentation today? I think I shouldn’t but I just does it non-stop now and I think I’ll continue slacking………. Gosh what a stupid kids that don’t know how to write the word “DIE”, hm…. But what wor, just got compliment today for the two presentation. Oh yea, one is about brain and behavior and actually I done it few weeks ago, but I still not satisfy with it just really don’t feel like make it better, so I just use it, another was about heath and safety, just done it last night and it really seem shit just with feel funny example to simple get attraction and at the same time just want to distract people from knowing our weakness. Hm… but some of the clever student are realize for that, but overall still not bad la. Just the Brain and Behavior, really got a great compliment where is the best ever presentation that Dr said to me, wow…. He even praise me in class, I was like, huh… want fly liao want fly liao!!!! Hahahaha… so how syok am I now and keep get excuses to rest long long, haiz, bad habit. But really a bit tired , just a bit, tonight promise I’ll work hard again. So Dr. compliment I can present well mean I have a good skills in delivering message although ya, my English is not really good you know, but why , because I presented in Malay mah, hahahhaa… shit, but I quite shock today when I presented another health stuff, and I got stun a while when I found that today speak English quite fluently man!!!!! I just couldn’t express more about this kind of feeling, but I make myself stupid again, Dr compliments mean I have to become a teacher, a lecturer ? OMG, I just feel like actually what I want to do for my future career wor!!! So stress la, a man without money is still a small matter, but a man without ambitious is really useless la!! But can how wor, please terung come back terung…. Okay, feel like talk more, but is jogging time, to train a runner participant for her coming match on Sunday. Hehe… walao not really pro but want to coach, tak tau malu memang!!! Anyway, Ms Rainy seem like going to cry again, damn shit the catty and doggy, don’t let me see you on the street, I’ll definitely whack you of causing inconvenient for people!! Hehe…

step back

So it’s Sunday again, now I really have to worship because I’m the one who have to lead song. This my second time like already Saturday then I still don’t know what song should I pick although I already got the frame of what to say, but just couldn’t find any song that are related to my idea. I just simply choose 4 songs that seem like can related to the main idea. Anyway I just feel that the songs are not really suitable, it all seem like in one same tempo and feeling – slowwwww… okay I just ignored it because I have no time, I have to send my song to the pianist , Saturday noon already MAN!!! f*cking late you know!! Okay, because the pianist is stays far away from church, so he usually will practice at Sunday early in the morning, so I get up late in a sleepy mood, asked by dad to buy breakfast , gosh, 815am I have to reach church, and it’s already 715am, can I be on time? Hahaha… impossible you know, I back home at Friday evening, having dinner at home, then sleep till Saturday morning and have the breakfast, 9am went out until 6pm only back home, dinner time again and sleep, Sunday morning wake up for breakfast then went out and directly goes back U, you know my life and my time spent at home when I got back home is like eat and sleep. So I rejected my dad to buy breakfast what would he think? This bastard son really useless!! Hmm.. so I have to be what a son should look like. I try to get everything faster so I can get there on time, so luckily I made it. Afterwards, practice time, I always lack of confident then this time brought me in trouble, the pianist I not really discuss with him, so when I feel the songs shouldn’t be sing or perform like that, I not dare to speak up as long as he didn’t give any opinion, but his skills really good, what I want he can play for me, just it shouldn’t go that way. At the end I mess up the worship with pointless singing, really feel malu that time, so I leaved church earlier. I wechat her, and seem that she wished to go somewhere, then I said I can accompanied to go, then she was like want don’t want, I also don’t know what is she thinking, then she so care for my wallet, that time I really feel quite touch and angry with myself, I even didn’t care of that, I just don’t know how to save money when I have it, shit !! Then I told her I just passed by, so is feel like shun bian, wth am I talking, sure people don’t want to go already la, you just shun bian, but actually I didn’t mean that, I really feel like want to go together . Haizzz… what happen to me my conversation skills, seem so dumb recently, what art of communications, all f*ck up!! Again I did some stupid stuff, I told what she told me infront of her friends, the moment I spoke out I was like, shit liao this time, what the FUCK am I talking now. Huh… I really very blur and nervous that time, so I mess up everything again. This make me reflect on myself, I proud that I have a good communication skills, people feel I’m friendly and sometimes can sharing, yea it’s true in some way maybe, but what I now found was, why some people just doesn’t like me, and why last time I mess up a friendship too!! Oh yea, my stupid attitude that always thought proud have cursed me now, whenever people say something to me I was like, oh I know the person very well ler, so I can talk what ever I know infront of her, btw we are not really close actually, what I know of her is what people say, it’s cannot mean that we know each other ler. Then I like to comment, maybe this is what a teacher always do, teacher like to question student, you know students just like that, they like to complaint, then teacher has to solve, so now I think I’m a teacher in friendship? WTF am I doing?! Don’t say people fed up with me, think of this I also start to fed up with myself!!!! SHIT!!! So I hurt her just now and maybe brought some risk to her friendship. So I posted a song, QIN AI DE NA BU SHI AI QING, actually I wanted to say about friendship, not love, I really mess up everything!!! I just couldn’t cope with everything now, don’t know why I cannot do my assignment, my thesis, cannot handle the church stuff, cannot handle the friendship, cannot dare to love…….. what the, when a peoples in sorrow like this, they might be suicide leh, what the what the…. I have to scold myself but please, stay some hope, if not one day I go suicide really GG == hmm… what should do now, all seem like mess till cannot be placed again. I try to bear up some responsibility, to prepare myself to dare love, but now seem like I failed, I even couldn’t handle myself well, what can I promised a girl to create our future together, maybe I should step back, not to ruin people memory again. STOP doing stupid things ler, STOP acting romantic ler, reality is what you should face!! 

something has to write

This is my 25 posts on this 2013 year, oh why I mention this is because it is my second higher number of posts among these 5 years since 2009 where I started blogging. I just exceeded the post of last year 2012 which is 24 posts, hehe why I want to tell this ? I also don’t know, I just shower and found no different with University because the water is cold too. This was what I thought while bathing, yea, it’s my 25 posts, I break my second higher records, compare to 2010, what happen on my 2010, and even worst, what happen to my 2011 was just 11 posts throught out the year !! I simply gave a reason, the number of posts just simply shows that something special happen in my life, so I blogged. My blogs is actually writing what goes on in my life, it definitely my diary, just I write in the form such as poetry, short novel, story telling, prose and etc. Sometimes I write critical and analysis article, but it actually not really critical in thinking, just sound that way, haha. Hmm… so it meant, I have quite a special year for 2013? I have 25 post before end of the year, and it maybe going to be more. *listening to Better Man by Robbie Williams* hump… as promised, I learn to appreciate English song, so friend suggest me to listen to some classic which really awesome, but I always forgot the name of song that they told me, hmm… why I just very easy to forget. Some more they suggested me a radio fm what 107.XX fm, I forgot again, but for the songs from the fm really started to change my perspectives toward English songs, there are really some awesome voices. Okay, trying my best to listen more. *now playing A Whole New World, Alladin Disney movie theme song.* For the two songs, can I be a betterman? Are there really a whole new world when someone or something intercepted your lifes, and everything change, would it be? Recently I still very blur in my assignment, I don’t know why I like suddenly don’t know how to study, I don’t know what I’m doing now, everything just goes as slow as they can, my brain was like dysfunctioning since the open of the school, I was like cursed by any witch to become noob!! Argh!!!! Feel like shouting but I know, it wouldn’t bring any changes. Sigh! Okay fine, I have to find my way out no matter how slow it drag me, I cannot die half way. Ohh yea… suddenly I remembered of one song that I quite like few years ago, I forgot where I got it, but it is a song from a competition, the competition is “Eurovision song contest”, and I like the 2011 song so much that time – “Running Scared ” by Ell and Nikki. Hahaha… I really don’t know how to listen, many people are complaint to this song, they just couldn’t understand how come a horrible song can won the first prize. Hmm… I also don’t know, nevermind, just listen what I feel good. Like what she said, people just couldn’t understand why her likes Bob Marley so much, hehe… I also don’t know why. Okay, talk about the song again, the lyrics just something like,

“Come to me, come to me tonight
Oh God, I need you, anyway
Baby, I just wanna be, be around you all the time
Oh God, I need you, oh…

I’m running, I’m scared tonight
I’m running, I’m scared of life
I’m running, I’m scared of breathing
‘Cause I adore you ”

Yea, it just part of the lyrics, why running, scared of life? Scared of breathing? Hehe… seem like not, is because adore someone? So when met up, they will running scared. Hmm.. try not to explain much, really cannot understand what the English lyrics song try to mean. It sounds a bit emo when the first part, and I think of, she really emo and in bad mood today, I wonder why, is it really just because of the problem of 3G or other else ? She asked me yesterday, what the reason for called her for the first time, am I flirting her? Frankly say I really don’t know, I want her to be happy, but I worry, so can that consider as flirting? Maybe these days she was alone, all friends went out and even I back home to teach and lead for Sunday worship. Time passed, and I feel that we start to know each other much, and I keep denied in front of her that I have feeling towards her, why I was like that? Because I don’t want to be responsible or I just coward? Somemore people say that I am a flowerhearted guys, playboy, flirt here and there, OMG, I’m that kinds of male-being. I remembered that a senior girls, quite lot of people dislike her, but I just like not my business, I’ll take her as friend if she willing to talk, one day she talked, but I in bad, you ah, every girls at kk know you’re a flirting boy la. I’m like, what the we seldom talk then you say this kind of things, but it really make me stop to think, am i? I always give this reason, you know why I really good with and treat them good, you know I have 5 female creatures in my house since young, 1 mother and 4 sisters, and I always talk and play with them than my dad and brother, so what false I really feel more comfort when talk with girl. Okay fine I just couldn’t explain anymore, people will say explain is such a symptom to cover lie. So I said I don’t want explain more, and yesterday, I think she will be quite sad when I say maybe my intention is to flirt, but at the end she said a words, maybe you brought up with 5 girls, that’s why you good with girls. I was like so touch that time, someone told what actually I’m thinking, but I think it cannot last long for me as a reason to treat most girl good, why, first my future gf will jealous, second people will see me as a playboy, third….. hmm cannot think of third, lazy. But I really appreciate those who still good to me, I found that I really mess up my friendships, what am I doing, haiz… you said people like to call you the surname which same with mine due to the structure of your fb name. hehe… so I joking why my surname not good meh, you don’t want to be my sister meh? And her questioned back, you really wish that I become your sister? Hehe… I scolded her that don’t know chinese culture. First, but this cannot count la, just the way those immature kids trick, they always like to call the girl they like to be their mei mei, so they have much more excuse to get close to them, haha… but I hate this actually, so I never have any “mei mei” when secondary school, now I offered leh, but she don’t want, haha. Yea, we are no longer a secondary kids. Secondly, she really don’t know, the hidden meaning of using the same surname with a man which mean husband and wife relation, Mr and Mrs Khoo, haiyo, this easy also don’t know, but nevermind la, I don’t want to say more le, later people thought I’m flirting again, what the……. Sienzzz…. Huh… no time liao, tomorrow worship scripts haven’t done somemore, hahahhaha… walao ehh, die liao la…. Another English song that I like *Just give me a reason by Pink.*

沉淀后

时候越来越接近，我反复思考了许久，我该去吗？我一再怀疑自己的决定是否正确，我不断的说服自己，经过昨日那么紧绷的气氛，今天应该会是大家都有得上场了吧？只是，那会是一场为了让大家上场而上场的机会！我实不能摆脱这样的心理障碍，所以最终我还是选择了缺席。打从一开始的排练与布阵就大概可以猜测得了结果，只是不相信命运的自己始终还是败给了它，抱着的希望就那样幻灭。我很清楚知道自己无法摆脱的厌恨绝对会影响整个的球队，正如最近上着的“安全与健康的工作心理学”，里头那么一个重要的健康就是智能与心理上的健康，我想这一点我就不符合了，如果是在国外，这球员是断不能被派上场的，因为他无法控好自己的情绪。当然，马来西亚是不会有这样的标准的，结果自己就自作主张的选择了放弃。我一直都在很怀疑这样的决定，至终我只想批判这种思维背后的盲点，感觉上是基于情绪健康的考量和团队精神的整全所作出的决定，其实它更是一种不负责任的行为。它是一种逃避责任，因为在还未尝试是否成功与否就妥协，好让没有人能够指责你的成败，让一切都归咎于昨日的疏忽，这是整个论述背后逃避的盲点。当然那还是因为不忿为什么没有做出适当的安排？虽然追究已不再有用，只是想给与一些对于往后提点。

集一身技巧的人，不代表就是领导；成得了千里马的，并不一定是伯乐。千里马固然多，伯乐却是难求，唯有好的领导才能让一个团队走得更远。为什么说集一身技巧的人当不上领导，那就得看这个领导对于他人意见的开放性以及自身思考的变通性，显然技巧性的人往往都过于死板，无法变通。

“战场上只有一位将军”的原则是时候被舍弃，战场决定的是一场胜利、失利所承受的代价是牺牲上百万人的性命，若是将军不靠谱，原本就应该有人勇敢的抗议，只是安于舒适的人早已不在意、看似弱小的却被忽略，团队呀！这团队还值得被投入心血吗？

            历史总是不断上演类似的镜头，那是因为我们都不太在意，“你认真，你就输了！”是不是这样大家都可以随随便便的过活或者直接剥夺他人曾经的诚意？

            话毕，当然还是对于自身的盲点需要多加注意，表面的借口与完美的理由往往都是让一个人好过的绊脚石，永远都只会活在推卸责任的懦夫行列。这一次显然存在着许多的疑惑，虽然错过了最终的结果，至少再一次看清自己的自私与不负责任的行为，实在需要多加谨慎！

落幕后

收音机播着“All by Myself”，一首经典的英文老情歌，我却把它听成了“hold by myself”，也许是因为那复杂的心情所以把歌词也给融会成自个儿想要的感受吧！听不明，只是感受它就带着淡淡的忧伤，眼泪不禁在眼眶打转，呵呵……要hold住，车上还载着人呀！“All by Myself …… ”，歌词就这样一直重复地唱着。

脑海突然浮现那么一句问题，“一段人生终究会怎么样落幕，我们会知道吗？”我想最近最震撼好莱坞的新闻莫过于保罗·沃克——《时速与激情》电影的男主角所传来的噩丧吧？谁能预料得了。心情复杂归复杂，肚子饿了还是得填满，来到马来档看到熟悉的宿舍朋友，不可能独自一人耍酷吧，就一起坐了。恰似收音机的歌，真的那么恰巧吗？为什么身旁的话题就围绕着感受的氛围在盘旋，一朋友又说起了保罗·沃克的新闻，然后就问，“我说啊，你说是不是，人生接触什么就会怎样的死去。不知谁人说，上帝爱听歌看舞蹈，就把麦克杰逊给带走，现在上帝要看戏，又把保罗·沃克可带走了。你说是不是，你看Beyond，还不是在舞台上……”他继续喋喋不休的供证，一个职业人士会如何的死去。“对呀，你读地理的哦，你会怎样死掉咧？那个炒饭的，应该是给煤气炉爆炸炸死的……”我开玩笑的继续补充。心深深的叹息，对呀，一段人生如何落幕，是能预测得了吗？不一定说死去，或者说一个运动员的职业生涯会如何结束，谁又能保证？“看麦克雷蒂，受伤后的表现大不如前、欧得洋这么一把独特的嗓音，样貌布光后，又是什么样的结果、麦克舒迈克还不是，王者真的能回归吗？”好多好多的生命在言说着各自的故事，有者喜有者愁，那就叫人生嘛，总没有一帆风顺、事事求全。

            这个晚上，我也没想过自己对于篮球的热情与期盼会这样的落幕，感谢关心的人，我想一个为着小小理想奋斗的人失败了，至少也留给他一点失望伤心的权利吧，那是对失落后的一种尊重。篮球这回事，是小时候只能看朋友玩的运动，身材胖嘛，又不长进减肥运动，算了吧！记得是考完小六评估考试、拿了成绩后的几天，开始踏出自己熟悉的玩耍环境，去到网咔打机、被朋友骗去看三级片、去到朋友的住宅区花园打篮球，对！就是那一次，我开始接触到了篮球和三级片。篮球不像三级片两个人玩就能开心的游戏，它需要的是一群朋友、那群有些疯狂、有些愚钝、有些乖乖，一群古灵精怪的人合凑起来才起劲的运动。

            “当……”篮球打在篮框上，我就使劲地举起那三层肉再举起手奋力的往上跳、抢球。哈哈哈……笨蛋！球都还没落地啦，抢什么；朋友那灵敏的手感一把就把球抓了下来。很神吗？我笨笨地又倒不觉得。唯一对于自己那笨笨可夸的举动是在中一的时候，“茄子！你是什么事？做么那么瘦又高了！”一个摆脱七十公斤又一百五十八米矮的我沾沾自喜地说：“打篮球笨咯，球还没下来就跳了十几次，结果就瘦了、也高了。”上了中学后就不时会到新村的球场打球，那时还是笨的，因为篮球怎么说都不是自己专注的，还是比较常会看看书、打打机……所以就忽略了，没有技术的人最好是做什么呢？射球啊，还是要三分弹那种吧。结果就被取了个绰号“PejaStojaKovic”，一位当时候著名三分球的美国职业篮球赛的球员，简称“Kovic”就是这么的由来。很庆幸的有一班的朋友一起打球，我什么都不会，最常做的就是失误，也许是他们太明白我了，失误总会变成华丽的传球，让我都迷了魂，结果离开了熟悉的群体，就不再是那样了。

            那一年我们的校外篮球队第一次到吉隆坡尊孔进行篮球友谊赛，懵懂的我们不知天高地厚，就带着小小的愿望，“五十比十好吗？”得十分，不输过四十分！耶！我们做到了，十分，混战中我投进了那么一棵三分弹，还不赖；只是对手拿了六十分。无所谓，原来一起打球是这样的回忆。对，为什么一直都身披十五号球衣，其实没什么特别的原因，就因为初出茅庐，朋友就抛了件十五号的球衣给我，从此，除了自恋爱上自己的生日日期二十二，我就认定了十五号！它陪我走过了无数场冷凳呀，哈哈……

            “一群傻子疯狂后留下的叫回忆”，我已经不知道还有什么更好的形容词可以引喻了。因为回忆，所以我越发图强的想抓住那些遗失了的美好，可是美好的回忆真的可以复制吗？回忆会是怎么样的谢幕，又有人可以知道吗？

            上了大学后的第一场比赛，也是那样在混乱中投入了二分球，为什么不是三分？记得中六开始就想尝试组一对中学生篮球队，找了个非洲教练，自己就偶尔和他们那几只小瓜玩玩，就开始爱上了传球与跳投。从此打球时就开始不伦不类，朋友问道总爱说，“转型转到不成型”，就这样丧失了自己的三分球特征。无所谓嘛，就不过打球。那唯一一粒的两分弹换来了加入大学队的训练资格，慎重考虑后也知道自己并没有这方面太大的天资，为人也懒惰，就决定没加入了；庆幸的宿舍还有耶，就出一份力吧。没想到二十和二十一的差别会是那么的大，体力竟然跑了两分钟就全身发抖了！还记得年少疯狂时，任由如何跑滚爬，体力还是一觉醒来就充满的年轻本色，所以就忽略了锻炼体格这回事。哈哈……报应呀！那一年，我就这样泄了胎。

            从那时开始就对数字有了些敏锐的洞察力，如果再不趁还年轻跑多两下，以后的日子就没什么机会了，所以错过了第一年后就开始锻炼锻炼、定时的跑步。我这个人就是那么地为自己妥协，跑步总是慢的、虽然耐久，却还不合格。第二年那年，我还是跑了两三分钟，又爆了胎，只是体力堕落中投下了一颗三分弹。

            对于自己的不努力，其实在慢慢的改进中，这一次狠下心自虐一些，至少也跑快的。几个月吧，所真的还蛮奏效的，体力真的比以往好很多，可是却又缺乏锻炼技巧，还是不行呀！这个晚上，我问自己，“究竟一个小小的理想会怎么的落幕？”努力后真的就能换来美好的回忆吗？我知道答案并不是的。篮球原本就是一个团队的竞赛，对于团队的精神，最让我刻骨的就是《投名状》这部戏，戏中有一句话，“战场上永远只有一位将军！”我想道理很简单明白，如果每个士兵都把自己看作将军，那各说各的，是要听谁的指挥呀？也许是这么一句的小哲理，每每来到不是自己擅长的团队行业，我想听从指挥是最重要的，就让那些有经验的教你怎么做吧。无论身处什么角色，我都明白，团队不能有个人意识过强的展现，那只会拖垮整个形势；战场上，永远只有一位将军。说到将军，又是另一个的故事，那一年，我是将军的时候；哈哈，离题离题。

“All by Myself” 继续的播着…… 对于曾经努力后却还是平凡无奇的渡过，我想那也是一种落幕吧。步出一个期待已久的愿景，只想对天长叹，可惜啊……只能说还不够努力呀。一段回忆即将落幕、一段回忆又将序幕，不论结果如何让人不堪、让人愁感，下一幕还要再来、再谢幕，直到听见欢呼声。

it's Sunday again

Oh yea, it’s Sunday morning again and it’s 1^st of December as well, so what I’m going to do today? I planned just to stay in room today before basketball practice at 6pm, so I can get an enough rest for a good performance since it would be our last day to train before Tuesday competition. Hmm… Sadly to say I got my leg injured again which have not recover before this, somemore my hand muscle feel really pain maybe yesterday friendly match I was using too much of energy to fight, but my performances was really bad, i lost all my confidence everytime when there are any matches. Sigh!! What am I doing for putting much afford to maintain my stamina but just couldn’t perform well with my low skill ability. Fine, I’ll try my best again since people are moving forward and get improvement. What a Sunday morning I decided to go library again because she said that today she will go as well, but I not sure whether she will come, I feel that last night she just don’t want to reply my text, I wonder what have I done wrong? I think because I didn’t contact her the whole day, I thought she is shopping and hang out with friends, so just don’t want to disturb, who knows? So maybe she just don’t want to see me and won’t come to library, hmm… while I was walking to library, I feel that this morning is a great day, and my heart feel like want to praise, haha… I feel I’m funny, everytime when there are chances for me to praise, I just feel boring, but today seem like different, I just don’t know why. Hence I selected few songs that I can memorized and sing along the journey when I come to library. Along the way, I saw many people are jogging today, why ah? I really wonder to know, because of 1^st of December, people want to get a new start over? Or just coincidentally today many people have the feeling want to jog? By the way, It doesn’t look like a competition because they didn’t pin up any number behind or in front of them. While I keep moving forwards, I deeply feel that it is a competition or maybe an event, they hold same mineral water just like being distributed by some crew I think. When I reached library, ya, I can sure that it’s a competition or event, they are crew distributing water, but just weird why I don’t know about this, if not I feel like want to join leh, to testify where is my level of ability to run, hehe… From last night till now, I have a strong feeling that I was hurt a good girl badly, i made her sad because I just couldn’t and maybe, I just don’t want to make a stand of it, I scare of bearing a responsibility to take care of somebody. What a bastard I am! I thought we can knowing each other slowly but she just seem like easily frustrated when saw me good with other girls, it is actually normal, if I like a girl, sure I will jealous when see her being good with other guys especially we are at the stage of don’t know what each other are thinking. I am actually trying my best to know more about her, hope she thought the same way too. 

feeling of fatigue

Experienced a tired day yesterday, but how can I say so if others people are living their life more busier than me. Anyway let jot down some short short memory here for the day before this as if I still remember. Ya, as promised, I have to help out the student election campaign, 730am right to wait at bus stop? So I just not sleeping well the day before, I slept at 1130pm to make sure I can wake up on time, however, it not really on time, I wake twice which is 1240am and 6am, it was too early compared to the alarm I have setting. Fine, I always stupid like that when I promised someone to do something, I just worry I will get late, so every time I would probably be on time. Unfortunately, it really disappoint me when I received a message at 750am telling us to be gather at 820am, however the time changed again to 930am until the last confirmation was 1030am, the reason was the manifesto faced some problem in photocopy it out. Ya, it sound reasonable so I just wasted my whole morning with a drowsy and sleepy mode.  I remembered I told mama, hmm…. I think I’m a easily persuaded person if people keep convincing me, and I feel that I’m really stupid and get trouble to myself. I think this word really sentimental when she heard that, and she’s joking, “are you saying me?” hehe… just kidding, and we know, it really mean something. Anyway, although responsibility really make people feeling stress, but it usually pay back with unpredicted surprises. Just like if I didn’t force to be papa, I wouldn’t know that many of people and including her, but is it really important, I couldn’t give much more answer towards it anymore. It’s same with as an assistant of student election campaign, I did know more new friend although we just get in touch once in our lifetime, but at least I can talk to some new friends, new opinion, new life. It does matter to me because for me, can interact with new friends are really enjoyable if the person is valueable for you to keep in touch, it not just a simple action of campaign, actually campaign is not a matter if compared with exchange opinion (for me la, not for the candidate). Hmmm… it quite boring when you found that your idea is different with others, so I decided to use my own way to campaign and sure I will go class because the lecture is really interesting to me. But it really lucky because I choose to stay awhile a dataran sastera before go to my last class, just the moment, I saw her walking so fast passing by, so I leaved them and chased over her, she really walked very fast until need me running. I know I’m quite bastard, always appear in silent and make people shock. Anyway, the few seconds do really give some short conversation and she is competing with her coursemates, to see whether walking is faster or waiting for bus? She said she won, but it rather than just win the competition, it something called win over the yuan fen, if she didn’t decide that way and as well of mine, we couldn’t met up. After class, I saw my first year junior and start my personally campaign to them, I think it effective and they promised to do something and vote wisely, hehe… proudly went to library to fill my water. And I starting to wechat her , I was kidding that he is 38 to compete with her coursemate, then I feel that she is angry, first time I saw her put a long zzzzzzzzzzzz, so I guessed, I’m really in trouble now. So I keep apologized but it seem like not really effective and suddenly she stop reply, I’m waiting but just couldn’t, I have training soon, after few minutes, I just replied got to go. But she has no respond too. Fine, the sky is crying and we just couldn’t go for training, so a friend suggests to go KPS PTUM booths, okay, let go. I found that there are some delicious snack, egg tart, portugese tarts, siew pao and etc… Thus I decided to buy her some. When I reached kk I just ran up to call her, make sure she can get it as soon as possible, while I ran back, I saw her at boys block, but I still made a call just she didn’t answered. After training, I saw my phone was full with miss call and messages, I thought one of it was her, but just couldn’t find one, it’s also same in wechat. Hmm… I think I really made her angry this time. Anyway, I have to go buy birthday cake for family ah zai, when backed, I walked up to kk grocery shop to put the cake in refri, suddenly met her, so I talked to her, she kinds like smiling but acting angry at the same time, I just feeling quite confuse with that, “is she teasing me?” No idea at all, I tried my best to talk to her, but she kinda like want to chase me away, so I really feeling exhausted through out the day, I just leaved. Got back room and shower, plan for birthday, everything done at 1am, before sleep I text her and finally she replied, but the message really made me feeling more tiring to reply. Okay, nitezzz. The routine come to the same today, I have to wake up early but not going to campaign anymore, I hide at library but my cute lecturer called me to claim money, wth I went my department at 10am but she just not there, at the same time I met the campaign team, no choice, I have to continue help them, freaking tired until 3pm settled down all my claims and avoid from crowds. What should I do now with a freaking tired body… …

Sunday Fluuuuuuuuu....

Fluuuuuuuuuuu……….. ish what a Sunday with a full shit in nose and it’s really disgusting, no mood at all the whole day, no mood worship, no mood to interact with people, no mood to study, no moooooodddd…. Okay fine, luckily after took a nap and went for basketball, It seem relieved more. Afterwards mooooddddyyyyy again, promised my junior to be her wakil in this coming student election, no mooodddd ah, don’t feel like join actually, but I can help to say something good when I meet up with people, just don’t want the commitment or responsibility tied me up , somemore my good friend know me well, I’m not that kind of people who like to be a full time follower and lead by people, hmm…. I think I’m really sombong hor!! Then a guys come to convince me, ish, I quite respect him, so if he say so, I have to reconsider again, and what he said: “Hey, please help her, she’s actually work very hard in it, so try to help her.” I was thinking like, wth with that, is it matter to me, but I was really fu*cking easily convinced by people when they sincerely look for help from me, am I too altruistic? Haizzzz…. I’m thinking of that words, so I came out with one sentences, “if you didn’t work hard, you have to subordinate under those people who really work hard, that’s me, doesn’t work hard but hope to lead people.” Okay, fine, as promised I have to do for her, and she comforted me, “after decided, don’t think too much already, just do it!” hmm… okay, this what I’m thinking and what I know, but just feel different when she told me so. Yesterday while training basketball, I feel that she is  walking down at the hills, so I like a bit nervous, don’t want let her to see my ugly face while playing ball, but you know, I hope to see her too, just I didn’t wear spectacle, sigh! Suan le ba, continue play my basketball. At night after back from meeting when I walked back and passed through mamak, I saw the gang is still there, so I think like I want to step in and kacau them for awhile, when I get nearer and feel weird, why the people are quite not same with the people just now and they just didn’t realize I’m there, suddenly I saw her, oppsss… I got shocked actually, why she’s here? I was stunned awhile and don’t know why I feel like sure I’ll become stammer if I sit down like past few times, esp that time when raining and I went to accounting faculty. Huh…. I really stupid!!!! Maybe this is the sign of liking someone and you’ll become a stammer while meet her. Yea, I think is right, that’s me. So I feel like want to see her, so I try to think of some excuses, yea, I think they’re business meeting or what something related to that, so I call always happy where is she, but she is in room, haiya.. no chance liao.. but I have to pass her some marketing list too, nevermind a, just come out maybe got chance to see leh, so I got out and she’s talking to phone. I saw people are walking out from bilik siswi after choir practice, so I just walked in kacau kacau awhile, whose know just that few seconds only she passed by and went up, I was like, wth….. like this kind of timing also got ah, fine. Then I told her we no yuan fen, but she didn’t reply me about this. Actually I want to say, after years, what I believes in yuan fen is, the moment we can know each other and meet up quite a number of times, it’s already yuan fen, but we cannot sustain a relationship just based on yuan fen, we have to work hard together to build it up, and we try quite hard to do so I think, I hope this yuan fen and effort can really bring us somewhere beyond the status we have now. I saw her words, about the pendrive, ish…. Last time I didn’t use it and borrowed to my sister, so she changed the pendrive name as her, Jennie; I forgot to change back, sure she will think a lot, she say she’s a cheerful person, but I think, when come to love, she’s easily emooo ba. This is all my fault, I think I give a good signal to her, but I always did some stupid stuff and make her feel another way, ahhh…. Really stupid leh me!!!! hmm… have to prepare for my stuff already, a lot of things haven’t do, gosh, couldn’t comfort her and couldn’t manage my things, that’s why again feel I’m useless, so how I dare would I give a girl promises wor, sigh!!!!!!

Does consensus really a matter?

What a tiring Saturday I have gone through today, it was my friend false la, go drink until late night yesterday (hehe… actually because I want to go too!!), then this morning suddenly woke up early in the morning, I thought can sleep until eleven morning like that, whose know my physically alarm calls me up, damn! Fine, I should feel lucky as well because can do my revision earlier, if tired at the half way, then only go to take a nap, what a perfect plan, so got up! Bad news when I received a call, I have to go church to deliver a something “life planning” workshop for those after PMR student, actually I knew it, but just attempt to skip it, so bad leh, haha… but I failed to do so. Nevermind, 330pm at the noon, still have time, so I started doing nonsense and pointless stuff, surfing the internet and facebook-ing, suddenly saw a previous news about SPM moral exam paper issues, wow… everyone is scolding the ministry of education, why they can changed the format of exam paper without letting the student know, it is not fair! Hmm… I was thinking and I’m quite naughty sometimes, when one group of people are getting scolded harshly, usually I will help out them to think of some other perspective whether it is able to fight back. Okay, so I thought of something and start writing some opinion. Second bad news came when the phone rang again, “ hey, de rong, will you come to church today?” Ya, I would, why? What time you’ll come, need you to fetch student at 12pm! Wth… I looking at the clock, it showing 1145am, 15min less for me to rush there, I’m like, okay…. Maybe will late for few minutes, so I continue to finish my opinion in short and go for bath, then walk quickly to church, luckily the sun was not really hot, I just sweating a little. That is why I’m thinking, my Saturday going to end without doing my homework, okay, it’s proven now because I still can blogging here, guilty times two. Actually is really freaking tired, I slept at 3am something and woke at 8am, not my lifestyle and it really make me sleepy, need to drive student somemore, really dangerous. Again we argued a lot in some opinion, hmm… I think she really a kampong girl la, she surprised me again with one things. She told me one day if she has a bf, she will definitely offer him to wash his clothes, I’m like, wth you want wash your bf clothes, let him wash himself la. But she just say that , no, “ because I will sayang him lor (chuckle)..” What the… I really feel like this girl ah, really super duper tradisional leh, the guys haven’t become her husband already she offered this such of chores service. I really cannot understand lo, but frankly say, it really feeling sweet and warm if a girl says that to you. But cannot la, I’m a gender studies student leh, I fight for gender equality leh, I want help my gf wash her clothes too. But she strongly refuse that her bf wash her clothes, then forgot how we talk about jeans, she said even herself couldn’t squeeze her jeans properly, then I was feel like, great, then we can help out each other, girl wash clothes and man squeeze jeans, fair enough, but she refuse to separate like that again. I was like, fair up to argue with her liao. Then suddenly pop out another topic she said, I also wouldn’t let my bf help me to wear shoe, then I found it out more curious and ask WHY? Boy helps girl wear shoe is such a big romantic and warm action, wouldn’t you know about that simple concept? She just couldn’t agree anymore to me and said, I cannot let my bf kneel over me. Then I continue debate and fight for my stance, I said you see, when a guy proposed to a girl : “would you marry me”, he will kneel down too to show his sincerity right? How romantic is it to a girl. She always gave some different answer, cannot again she said, my brother proposed to her gf on the plane, but he didn’t kneel down too, and the girl promised to marry her. I was like, okay, stop arguing , I will help my life partner to wash clothes and kneel over her , it just a symbol of love and romantic. She just said, fine. Hmm… Anyway, I found out everything is much more interesting now , I like to argue in this way although we cannot reach the same consensus. 

Floating here and there

Starting is always the hardest step, just like the idea to start an essay writing, the decision to do something or the courage to bear some responsibility, but once you decided, everything would be different no matter what the result you going to get is good or bad, at least, you tried. I’m now facing this problem, I even stuck in floating, lost in mind, don’t know what to do although there should be something to do, I was too useless to live my life I think. Times never wait for anyone if you not going to move forwards, then you’ll be dragged long away without any traces would be left for you. Argh, the reality is cruel but I just still cover my eye with coward and decadent. Maybe some of you will think of I’m a steady person, and that’s just what I pretend of I am, the reality was not. I lost myself and cheat myself as I cheating people for such a long time. When only I will awake!!! I hate myself, my bad behavior and timid attitude not only causing my own destiny, but it affect other people too. I feel so sorry to her as I not dare to comfort her when she feel unconfident towards herself, I’m trying so many times of giving her some cues, but she kept thought that I’m dislike her, no… I never mean that. Such as yesterday, I told her I received an anonymous noticed, I just want to let her know what happing in my daily life, which girls is chatting to me, I’m not showing off but I remembered, she said that she wouldn’t let her bf to chat with other girls, yes, I admit I couldn’t accept this, but I promised I’ll tell her who I chat with, to prove I’m not lie better than I chat secretly right? So I told her, but she just felt unhappy not because of me, but towards herself, I just felt sorry to her too. In a sudden, I asked about her mum coming birthday and get to know more about her family background, she’s really a good girl to her mum, she miss her mum always, but what I felt shock was, her dad is not stay with them but works at Singapore, I just wouldn’t understand how deserves she would be to stay with her dad always, she needs a lot of care I think? So I asking myself, are you really able to take care and caring, love her always? I’m floating again. I told her I’m going to extend my years of study, and she asked why not you go to work? Again, the economically unsecure feeling spring up in my mind, yea, girls need secure, I questioned myself again, can i? can i? I told her, I want to continue studying, Master until PhD, I want to be lecturer, this is just an excuse, actually I lost when I thought of future, can i? Her expression was like, smile and ignore. Oh yea, fine, I feel really useless. I knew I’ll be back early on the Friday morning, so I feel like date her for a dinner before I backed, somewhere but sure don’t want to be at 4^th mamak, but I just couldn’t say it out properly, okay, done, we met another guy form kk, forget about it. At night, we chat a lot in wechat, there’s suddenly a question : “邱德荣,are you entertaining me now?” I was like, shit, what happen? I say something wrong? I slide back what I have typed, I felt that, why I’m like flirting her, wth am I doing? I tried to explain so much to her, but she just said, “why make so complicated (smug)” , “Why don’t you just answer neither(either la I think, hahaha, just realized..) in yes or no ” , so I have to answer, I’m thinking am I wrong if I entertain(make fun) with a girl that I like in a polite way? So I answer No, because I feel that I want to make her happy and laugh. She realized that I have something problem and she suddenly said, “lets go out jogging now”, I really stunned for few seconds, is it real? Just I didn’t rub my eye because I know it will end up in hoping but just couldn’t work that way. It just reminded me that we know the Iphone 4S give out would be a big joke and impossible, but we say we are curious for it, she say she’s curious whether is it real, and I’m curious why the people will believe, so let go discover together. However what I believe is, we hope to come out together to talk more, is it what you thought of too? You call me and ask how the situation there, I told you that it just a scam, the moment when you asking where am I and you look like want to come out as well, but me just spoil it saying I already in room, there’re nothing special, I should just say, let hang out there! Actually I’m quite nervous too when talk to her. You asked me, I like mandarin so much? I said yes, I really love that so much because it is my medium from I born till now, and I put lot of afford in it. I still remembered once I asked my best friend in KK, “ hey, I found that I fall in love with banana leh!! I’m trying my best to learn English and get closer with her.” Then this dumb just scold me, “Diam la, impossible one, your mandarin too pro , couldn’t work out.” His words really affect me, ya, impossible, I don’t know how to appreciate English song…… errr… everything that about English la, because it really hard to me to understand, my English really sucks la!! But God really like to fool people, I fall in love again to an English educated girl, haiz… luckily she still can communicate mandarin with me, and I can notice , she’s trying her best to write a little bit mandarin sometimes. Hahaha… but really funny when I saw her mandarin words, it examined my ability of chinese to know her pinyin with different words. I really feel appreciate for that. I know she likes Bob Marley songs, so I searched some to listen, “is this love” etc. although I not really understand what the rhythm of the song want to bring out, I just listen, I believe it take time. Then I told her my first impression when I first saw her, she liked feel disappointed to herself when I say she’s a kampong girl, but I not feeling disgusted, I really feel that It is special, somemore when I found out what I thought of her is actually all wrong. Haha….  Today I dated her to hang out together as so lucky I can get car form my sister but she just refused because she is busy, hmm… really quite sad actually, but homework is more important since she’s stress with her maths tutorial presentation. It’s my fault too, I should firmly told her, I want to date you out? But what make me float again, I really worry that how if I give her hope and at the end, I hurt her? I’ll definitely couldn’t forgive myself since she’s such a good girl. Haizzz… I told her last time, she will fail her 3^rd relationship, why I say so is under some conditioning actually, I’m worry what she want for her new bf is all because what her previous bf hurt her, she scared she will get hurt the same way, so she set a lot of rule to her new bf, I think that’s not healthy in a relationship if she still live in previous shadow. I found that I getting more busy because my slow progression of work, seem like I will end up my last few week in passive action. I made her relations with other worst because of me, I really feel so sorry to her , hope everything can get well soon and back to the happy track. See, this is my problem, i just couldn't write things correctly according to the title - floating here and there. fine. 

Ode to Love

" Obviously this would be my first blogging in English, maybe it might be the last as well. Hehe… First of all, please ignore all of the grammar mistake or misusing of vocabulary, anywhere, if you feel free, you can correct all the mistake through the comment, great appreciation from those who feel free. Hahaha… Secondly, as my previous blog shown, I’m fully Chinese oriented writing person, so if some sentences that you couldn’t understand in English context, switch your mind into Chinese – English translation forms, that might help you a lot in understand the whole message that would like to bring out in this blogging. "

Ode to love (歌颂爱情) is something long ago which I wish to write about in mandarin version, anyway, the feeling to write it out is not yet mature for me to do so. I hope I can experience more before I’m truly able to ode to love happily. Here is the story that make me awake again to live my life, people like to say I’m a person who mindly stuck with pessimistic views all the time, I just feel like… emm.. No, it just some different perspective of happiness where I constructed it by a pessimistic way in the term of romantic, isn’t it wrong? At the end, I have to admit that I’m a pessimistic person instead of giving out any excuses. I have to traced back to last year while I’m a second year student in University, I met a girl who always smile and laugh happily, and definitely she is classified as optimism girls as well. Starting at that time, I was attracting by her “happy go lucky” lifestyle , so I think I can be optimism as her, at the end, I found that nothing change much, I’m still prefer the kind of mindset I have which I like to define it as “romantic” rather than pessimistic. Err… afterwards, just ignored. Something change this year when I first enter my third year life, I feel like want to isolated myself from the crowds especially the life at college, the reason I given is because I would be very busy this year due to my thesis year, but the person who knows me well, they know that not the main reason for it. Okay, I have to straight to the point because I late to my class without preparing and reading. Few times while I’m walking in campus, I saw a girl quite often, the images I got from her appearances were, ya, she’s an introvert person, and I think she’s definitely a kampong girl (because she always wearing sport track and don’t know what sport T-shirt), hmm… quite a nice looking girl, but I know, I won’t have to chance to know her, further if we are not from the same faculty or college, so stop think of it. But what make me couldn’t stop think of it was, I often meet her while I’m walking here or there, at least twice to third times a week. Fine, impossible I just simply struck up with her, is funny man, although I admit sometimes I’m quite flirty, but I won’t do this kind of malu stuff if I really don’t know someone at all. Something has changed the situation, her kampong look I mean, one day, she’s wearing college T-shirt and now I knew she’s from the same college as mine. No, I convinced myself again, so what, I want to isolate myself and we just have no chance to talk to each other. Time flies, day by day thing just slowly changing without any clear consciously symptom and I talked to her, knowing her, going out with her…….  At first I found out we are frankly enough to talk with each other, the funniest was, she told me what annoyed her, I was feel like, hmm… we just know each other once and the girl's telling me her blame , wt… weirdo enough, fine again, she’s friendly enough I think.  After that I just losing control again, I started to do some crazy stuff for her when I feel that she’s doing such goods to me too. This is what I always hope for, love in first sight , which mean both of a couple will appreciate each effort towards them. This is also the reason why, I admit, I did feeling love to quite many girls before, but I just didn’t proposed to them because I couldn’t feel that we are able to being together. Horr.. pulling back to the pessimistic or optimism, now I feel the way to be optimism, it is not just you forced yourself to be, but someone make you feel the happiness inside and it would sparkling by itself. I can feel the right feeling but as the same problem, I’m cowards enough to bear the long losing responsibility, and a person economically unsecure with unpromisable for a better future for another person. Huh… couldn’t write anymore, sweat liao, class time. Not related to topic at all == hahaha...

十年前那座山上的故事

这一天，我又细细回味了十年前那在山顶上的童真。

童年的回忆是不是总令人特别难忘怀，或者换种方式说，幼稚的行为是不是都特别铭心刻骨；很多时候，我们宁愿幼稚，也不想生命留白——也许这就是童真之所以为什么难忘怀。

那是一次的小学毕业旅行团，顾名思义，我们都六年级了、我们都挨过了小六评估考试、我们……要享受最后的童年时光，至今，我们都忘了谢谢、谢谢老师们为我们预备这么一段难能可贵的回忆。

旅行予我而言是件极度宝贵的事，除了每次新年都会回外婆家，我想我就不曾再踏足其它的州属领地了。

所以我很珍惜，也像一位从乡下第一次远航的山芭佬，期待着……

巴士上大伙儿都会有说有笑，三五成群、不时还有些荷尔蒙早育的男孩儿去调戏后座的女孩儿，操他的我怎么都不会！

巴士上总会有个自闭儿，喜欢静静的躲在窗帘布后、默默地看着路途上的风景，然后就会分外兴奋，“哗！好美啊。”虽说时隔已十年，可那一段山路，记忆中还真的好险。

其实我并不是自闭儿，喜欢静静地不说话并不是因为冷酷，只是我比较渴望和珍惜每一次的出游，欣赏那沿途的美。回想起来，这习惯好像也伴随了我十年，这十年来朋友总会问我，“怎么在巴士上都不说话？”，我想我找到了答案。

抵达山顶后就是一阵阵冷风吹袭而来，天真愚蠢的想原来马来西亚还有这么清新凉爽的地方，好想就搬来这儿住了。

如果没记错抵达后就差不多是晚餐时段了，老师就带我们走到住宿下的生锅店，嘿，吃火锅还是第一次。火锅店里印象最深刻的莫过于一位朋友的杂技表演，哦，是打蛋表演。

“等我来啦，怎么讲我爸爸都是炒果条的咧！”他自信的边拿起蛋、边站起来，还与众不同的只用了单手来打蛋。

啪挞，蛋壳被敲破了、大伙儿顿时安静了两秒、看着蛋从高空中掉落……然后大伙儿就捧腹大笑，蛋掉进了火锅起火的地方、一阵极度难闻的焦味渐渐的散发了出来。

有人取笑到，“真不愧是炒果条的孩子，连打蛋都能那么准的打入火锅起火的地方”。大家就捧着笑腹逃离那恶臭的现场，个个入侵其它的桌子当寄居蟹、继续抢吃！

能在这大冷天冒汗的感觉真不错，吃完火锅的时间也不早，大家就开始冲凉然后闲聊到睡去。

从小就少用热水器冲凉的我完全忽视且懒惰去研究那热水器是如何操作的，拿起了花洒，开水往身体冲。水洒在身体的霎那，仿佛自己就浸在冰水中，冷冻无比、一阵尖叫声在心中呐喊，这就是无知的后果。

认真地想想其实也蛮安慰的；一个一米五高又拖着七十磅身躯的人竟然也能冷到不像样，原来，不论肥瘦，大家都是平等的——都会冷到呱呱叫！

冲完凉就冷到躲在被窝里取暖，只是周遭的朋友都不见了。四处游荡下才发现，他们又在挑逗那些天真无邪的小女孩，我只好也找些伴，那些也懵懂不会挑逗的小男孩，然后在床上慢慢地睡去。

一早起来几个乡下小男孩就跑到楼下，看着眼前那不曾看过的冷冷薄雾，散步其中。早餐后就展开了游览这山的行程，什么仙人掌园、菜园、草莓园、蜜蜂园……除了那可怕的蜜蜂稍微有趣，其它的都闷毙了。

快乐的时光过得总是特别的快，就这样要离开这小时候以为的世外桃源，大家都抱着开怀的心情下山去。欣喜分外的时沿途巴士停在了一座的瀑布旁，大家看到瀑布都疯狂的往那冲去，当然我也不例外。

来到瀑布竟然不能溪水，只怕弄湿了要换衣是件麻烦的事。所以大伙儿不知哪只毛狸带起了抛石头这游戏。你抛我丢他掷……没想到还蛮好玩的，抛石头就这样僵持了好一段时间。突然站我前面的那家伙来个快速的蹲下身，眼前就一粒石头往自己飞来，闪不了！啊！！！！石头打在嘴角上，嘴唇开始流出了鲜血，那抛石头的和我都给吓坏了，就只有我和那抛石头的，其他的还很兴奋地继续抛，真没人性，哈哈……

那抛石子的很内疚的跟我上回巴士疗伤，心想，怎么那么倒霉呀。突然，大家都想起了刚才在蜜蜂园买蜂蜜时那店长说的话，这是特别好的蜂蜜，如果那里有伤口，你是可以敷在上面的。那抛石子的很被迫的拿出他的蜂蜜，递给我，你敷吧，那我就不客气了。这次的小伤还蛮感动的，至少还有其他的朋友也愿意拿出他们那昂贵的蜂蜜，只是并不需要这么的多。

金马仑之旅啊，有让人笑破肚的事、有温馨的事、有那荷尔蒙早熟的事、有悲剧的事…… 十年前，仍烙印的回忆。